Monday 11 June 2012
End of Spring
Oh dear. I have something that has been plaguing my mind and pulling on my conscience. I feel dreadful trying to weigh up the area that i fucked up badly. At times, i think, so what? Move on it ain't that big of a deal, but if my morals have me pinned down, I have been feeling very remorseful over the last couple of days over something major? or minor?
A friend caught me having a steamy snog with a random boy, in her bedroom, at the house party not long ago. Writing this down, i feel dog-dirt, but also in my experiences in comparison, this is very normal? ain't it? At a house party, surely, 2 people on a horn dog mission,it's a likely bet. This sounds to me something i would've witnessed happen at any house gathering i put my effort in attending in my previous years.
Part of me, thinks how fucking lame is this, what kind of diluted house party would this offend you?
I feel very pent up, after apologising my heart out to Amy, she was having none of it and screamed and told me to get out her house. I felt bad. She made me feel like dirt, shameful and also, i was high as horse and hearing her scream at me broke me down and sober up from extreme high as a kite to basement low come-down and apologise as it was my duty to say i'm sorry for using your room.
I apologised twice, which wasn't the best idea, as she was still fuming, definately gave me that look as if to say, 'we are no longer friends'
All this fogg of a fucked up drama, has me in such a grey and sickly health.
If i can clear my head out on here and put it to rest, I carry far too much troubles on my shoulders and i feel drained and lifeless, over what was a numb house party.
I say numb, close to the feeling that i overheard Rachel complain none of the people she invited to the party had turned up.While i stand there, clear to me now, i am often here to make up a number and a body. She wasn't very enthusiastic when I showed up as she was eyeballing my outfit and remedied her outfit similar to mine.
Rachel calls me her competition before she calls me a friend.
This leaves such an un-nerving chill down my spine.
When all these years, the crumbling of our friendship became very frought to the end-all at this finale houseparty.
I try and pick myself up from this, over the last couple of days. I can make new friends. As strategic and brutal as life narrates itself. I have tomorrow and beyond to create new friendship groups. Realising this has been a struggle to contend with, most of the time i am puzzled to what is this emotion i am going through.
But to pick up and carry myself to go on as i mean, I shall start a new chapter in the coming days, start by getting out of this horrific funk. Start a something new.
I feel better.
Monday 4 June 2012
The end-all Party
i can't collect my thoughts together to string along a sentence to makes sense
is it because i'm having an irregular heart beat
is it because my mind is looking for a reason
is it because i have no appetite
is it because i cannot unclench my jaw
all above is painful.
I went to a party of end-all last night
the boy i have my eye on is going to attend but i obviously pretend that i don't know
try and be a cool cat
in my mind i have this all planned out and we shall make this happen tonight at this last party
and then what?
he spots me at the top of the stairs
(or did i spot him first, and try and act breezy kinda thing.)
oh shit. what the fuck. he stands with me.
and i fucking ignore him.
I freeze and carrying making convo with the mutual friend we share.
this boy makes me nervous
i loose my shit.
and leave into another room? really.
read. i run away. escape to the closest exit.
leaving him dumbfounded
thinking what the fuck. bitch.
i never see him again
i hate myself.
which further more
i meet another boy, outside the friend circle
in my fucked up haze and a developing fuck-it-might-aswell attitude
me and this 18 year old boy make a connection
(thinking back, i have a feeling another girl was digging him from afar.
but he tapped my leg, drank my beer, puffed smoke in my face, leaned in towards me while i chatted to his mate
lit my cigarette which fuck. now realising, his girl admirer handed to me as a friendly gesture. I hope i said thanks)
i need the toilet break.
Boy follows.
he approaches me like a boss.
we fall into this passionate kissing frenzy
we made a racket knocking the misc off the bathroom shelves
i felt 18 again
although a bit more experienced this time round i realise it was me pressing him up against the door
he senses the mood and gropes me. not bad. he's not shy. it's nice to push his hand away from the prize
one thing.
i felt numb,
no tingle
no flutter
i snort a couple lines of mdma
my memory of last nights is a very broken memory
but now i write this,
hoping to clear my thoughts,
so i dig this boy?
Does he do it for me?
my heart is beating strange beats
my stomach is make flips
my jaw lowers in memory of the clinches i had
i exhale and think of what could have happened and exhale to what really happened
Friday 16 March 2012
Addition
What have i done.
It's been an old affair I have returned too
A situation that feels very familiar
The experience brings back memories
Epic mind floating memories
This takes me back to who I was that I left 4 years ago
mdma
I decide
I like
I decide
its good
its better
although my eye aches like a sore mu'fuckhooker
It's been an old affair I have returned too
A situation that feels very familiar
The experience brings back memories
Epic mind floating memories
This takes me back to who I was that I left 4 years ago
mdma
I decide
I like
I decide
its good
its better
although my eye aches like a sore mu'fuckhooker
Holiday
this Summer
is my time to make it happen
I'm going to live abroad and visit my friend
i can't wait to get away from London
do things like get a tan
drink alcohol in hot climate
look at the horizon
eat. drink.
I can't wait for Summer.
is my time to make it happen
I'm going to live abroad and visit my friend
i can't wait to get away from London
do things like get a tan
drink alcohol in hot climate
look at the horizon
eat. drink.
I can't wait for Summer.
incognito crushes or whatever
my pathetic crushes on strangers they don't know i know that they have been eyeing me up while i eye them up when they got their backs turned
because i'm a ninja don't you know.
1. The Boy who wear's hipster grandaddy glasses
He's a bit short.
He is always there whenever i look up. Staring at me
He watched me eat an apple. Awkward for me
He tried to speak to me when i was eating yoghurt. Awkward moment for me
He hovers around me
He's cute
He makes me nervous. That fucker
A cute fucker
2. The boy with green eyes
He has green eyes, thats pretty rare for me. I hate eye contact
He is tall
He approached me like a boss. I liked this
He doesn't make me feel nervous
He says my name alot
He's not faithful to his girlfriend
I am not his girlfriend
3. The guy with the Southern accent
He has a southern accent
He has a deep voice
He wears silver jewellery
I lost in interest in him very fast
But he is VERY tall
4. The boy who is an 18 yr old teenager
He is young
He is the dumb brain dead stupid type
He rates new experiences as the best, this has a high turnover
He takes drugs
He walks around with his mouth open
He doesn't breath through his nose
He is tall and still growing
He is one-dimentional
He told me he loves me in a jokey way. okay
I like to talk sex with him
I like asking anal/homo questions/jokes directed at him
I could be his big sister he never had
this is a fucked up list
5. The guy with brains called Rob
He is more intelligent than i am
He wears framed glasses to look cool
He is medium height
He likes to shop at COS
He seems nervous around me
I met him for 1 hour. I fall in love very quick
This is a dead end analysis
.
because i'm a ninja don't you know.
1. The Boy who wear's hipster grandaddy glasses
He's a bit short.
He is always there whenever i look up. Staring at me
He watched me eat an apple. Awkward for me
He tried to speak to me when i was eating yoghurt. Awkward moment for me
He hovers around me
He's cute
He makes me nervous. That fucker
A cute fucker
2. The boy with green eyes
He has green eyes, thats pretty rare for me. I hate eye contact
He is tall
He approached me like a boss. I liked this
He doesn't make me feel nervous
He says my name alot
He's not faithful to his girlfriend
I am not his girlfriend
3. The guy with the Southern accent
He has a southern accent
He has a deep voice
He wears silver jewellery
I lost in interest in him very fast
But he is VERY tall
4. The boy who is an 18 yr old teenager
He is young
He is the dumb brain dead stupid type
He rates new experiences as the best, this has a high turnover
He takes drugs
He walks around with his mouth open
He doesn't breath through his nose
He is tall and still growing
He is one-dimentional
He told me he loves me in a jokey way. okay
I like to talk sex with him
I like asking anal/homo questions/jokes directed at him
I could be his big sister he never had
this is a fucked up list
5. The guy with brains called Rob
He is more intelligent than i am
He wears framed glasses to look cool
He is medium height
He likes to shop at COS
He seems nervous around me
I met him for 1 hour. I fall in love very quick
This is a dead end analysis
.
Hair Bear
what's the dealio
this is me & where I'm at update
I have hair issues
i'm stuck in a massive rut
to keep it black and messy nest shit
to lighten and dye
to cut & layer
I think i already decided
i've convinced my self to lighten it
as I resent haircuts anyways
oh yeah
new thing for this year to myself
This is the youngest I will ever feel
its true
.
because tomorrow i will be a day older
and the next day
and the next day
peace
this is me & where I'm at update
I have hair issues
i'm stuck in a massive rut
to keep it black and messy nest shit
to lighten and dye
to cut & layer
I think i already decided
i've convinced my self to lighten it
as I resent haircuts anyways
oh yeah
new thing for this year to myself
This is the youngest I will ever feel
its true
.
because tomorrow i will be a day older
and the next day
and the next day
peace
Saturday 10 December 2011
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