Rawsome

I'm so fascinated by twins

like vegetarians


they are amongst my life a lot


kind of like mixed race chinese people too






I am neither of these people




I always wanted this

believing it makes me somewhat special


however

I was born ambidextrous

[ yawn ]


which leads me to question is this why my brain feels

awkward and skewed



yeh i get to use cutlery back-to-front
yeh it's great to use scissors either hands eloquently
yeh i would write my name backwards as a child


not so fascinating


however twins!

so much more appeal





yeh?
yeh, it's no big deal
-my twin friend


i remark

I am actually a Leftie
my parents taunted my childhood
swopping me to a Right

i feel like i'm living a lie

what a hoax

a fraudulent


and it is said Leftie's are far more intellects than Rights'



i am a Leftie at heart

but probably the dumbest Leftie around

Go to the record store

i believe a beautiful life begins in a beautiful breakfast



[ this is great! as i write the opening words 'i believe'
oh hello Simian Mobile Disco 'i believe'
its been such a long time
although i pondered around thinking it was a Hot Chip track
silly memory
silly me ]




I had an ugly breakfast today

this makes me sad


i did begin with a bowl full of strawberries

sweet and delightful

didn't hesitate to finish them off


thought this was going well


then BAM




i decide for a Korean ramen breakfast

something mailable

something soupy

something spicey


enter silly me

i broke an egg in

I have seen the korean's do this with their ramens


looks' a good eating they say


not so good for me

i didn't let the egg cook through enough

made my noodle soup look a complete mess

complete noodle abombmination


not even the sprightly yellow sweetcorn & spring green onions could save the image i was about to eat


what a let down


a sad breakfast leads to shit start

although the chilli sauce made it very palatable


also what the fuck it that Daft Punk album Tron all about
what a load of tosh
I had to delete the album
So bad

also what the fuck 3D films?
a complete eye fucking
the kind of feeling like you just snorted water through your nostrils

when did normal terrestrial become so passe

listening to Simian Mobile Disco

are my simple times

also had a rerun through my Smiths playlist




let this help restore the imbalance of wrath of my ugly breakfast

creepy neighbors

a mere observation



whenever we hoover up the house

the neighbors do too


when I listen to Oasis on loud

the neighbors do too


when we decide it's sausages for tea

the neighbors do too



coincidental observations



the Oasis thing is definitely creepy creeper

Item. The Whore Friend

i've had enough





of friendss


going through a friendship break is more heart wrenching than any relationship break up put together

it's a certain bond that feels like your closest family


how can that be

when we are all strangers in this world

you invest time, effort,

creating a bond


people can be selfish

but your too nice

of course


they expect you will always understand

lets stop being a silly fool now


from now on

i am going to avoid these suckers like the plague


enough.


with shit motivations

with shit screwy affairs

with shit ideals



she says_

'it doesn't count as sex if he puts his penis in you for 1 minute'
'so I'm having sex with my cousin, but it's okay because he's a great guy'
'I can't believe he made me pay for the drinks for the first time'
'I've been with every male friend except one, I want him as well'
'He's not so clued up in bed, but his friend is much better at sex thank god'
'I like that i have a clean slate and never cheated on anyone'
'my mother still believes i haven't had sex'

Whore Friend


I ended this friendship

overwhelmed is an understatement

done
I can't take her shit anymore
I can't do it
[ she also took other liberties in our friendship that took it's toll
it's just her insane whoring ways are too much to handle ]


goodbye Whore Friend

.

what tha


.

eat

I AM HUNGREH



oooh

i'm hungry

i cannot sleep

and

feel

the urge

to succumb

to the forgotten




MIDNIGHT FEASTING


i feel like a fox

operating at night

on the forage for foodage

except

i wanna make a meal meal

rather than a measly looking snack



ok go go go


i know whats coming


and

i

ALWAYS

listen to my stomach calling




hungry monkey

very Fortunate

PHEW



almost got a massive karma kicking




i did a freelancing job and have been waiting around for payment

i started to get concerns as I did the job,
sent the work off,
haven't heard back for ages,
thought I got mugged off,
which
i hate being played a fool,
panicked about not putting copyrights blah blah mah
considered writing an email with the hell wrath of my fury
rationalised for a second
gave it more time
gave up hope
considered it my loss


ahhhhh

whats up morning glory!


got the email that the payment has been made!

and this is when i am glad

I have some kind of patience


Really thank god

I didn't send a Hell on Earth Wrath of Fury of an email



I feel that wave of silliness overcoming


ooh shit

by the skin of my teeth



heebie jeebies

feeling lighter around my shoulders now

fashion

Playground 2011 - Guest Editor - Alex Noble - 5 Minutes - ENG from Swatch MTV Playground on Vimeo.

Alex Noble pretty much sums up my battles

except

i still don't know where i belong


at the bottom of my heart

i feel that i want to live on an island in Greece


that would nice wouldn't it..

Breakfast Series

today for my breakfast I eat,

entitled_


Indecisive lavish Breakfast





As follows I have_


the Earl Grey & soya milk in my oversized central perks cup

small bowl of blueberries

Two brioche rolls, filled with honey & smoked salmon, cheese, cracked black pepper and rapeseed oil






breakfast time: 5:14am

Lady Gaga and me

i like her lots lots lots ^^

infact so much

I am such a Fan!


i think she's utter amazeballs



my FAV song from the new album

is the BOMB!






i wish i was blonde

so i can say_

i want your whisky mouth
all over my blonde
south


I had my Gaga moment here Oct 2009





Just Dance!



+plus my incognito moustache doodled in


this was for halloween when i worked as a bar staff at work

people didn't get it




punter: Who are you dressed as? Lightning???

...




thank god Gaga made it big

so i can carry on dancing like a gay man


♥

Tense

oh.


my fears of taking time out

is getting left behind




keeping on track and up to date

leaves this anguishing pain in my jaw & neck


very tense

its horrible


i am trying to grasp my style/ ethos if you will

in fashion or whatever it is_


i like clinical but on a contrary of warmth added


or some shit like that



i just feel that

sometimes it is never enough

can i do better?

Is it my best

it is so rudimentary to me

to be always super perfect

even though i will never be content with myself


realising this

maybe i can sort myself out

come to terms

of becoming at peace with myself

a little gratuitous towards myself



Init.

somewhere inbetween

meditation


is kinda a gray area for me

I am trying to embrace meditation


it's hard work

training yourself to slow down

re-evaluate

and touch base



i don't know what i have achieved so far

kinda fell as asleep 3 times yesterday when i set out to meditate

I hope it worked



i feel very passive

sometimes numb

sometimes a bit dumb

because you remove yourself into a space

that sends you either drowning or floating

i can't pin point this exactly


i actually feel very lost

sometimes forgetful

feeling slightly distressed


i had my cup of earl grey before

i am already feeling very sleepy


....

....

....

Memo for Wednesday

routine is becoming important to me

i never use to get it

pretty stubborn


making it up as i go along

i think i was kidding myself thinking it works


once i have been implementing a basic routine

my life seems to be the right side up

and not back to front and upside down


i awake at 4am (a little too early, but i was hungry for breakfast)

I craved noodles, which has been this constant craving that won't go away

well, seeing as the Koreans have noodles for breakfast, why not

plus carbs are friendly fuel


"High Carbs, Low fat"

is my new acceptance

I don't want to suppress myself anymore

I want to be happy,

I want my life back


Just looked at the clock

5:10am

should I go for a run?

I have managed to an early wake, a hearty breakfast & laundry washing..


it's the greatest effort of all,

running is no mean feat,

it's leaving the front door is my huge stint


oh and i must go to the pharmacy today,

i need to stop putting things off


but maybe be kinder to myself

in some order


destress myself

be happyier

stay focused

be positive

hat that is a shoeslipper

i hate flatcaps





they bring out the anger out in me


AND

WOMEN who wear flatcaps??

WHATT!!!


i hate flatcaps as much as i hate coriander


also

really

why is it

balding men resort to wearing flatcaps

and not other hat choices?


why not keep the head naked?


but really

why do women wear flatcaps

and that awkward sorry looking pony tail hanging at the back


estranged


i fucking hate coriander

caffeine buzz kill

awake at 4.30am

but really haven't slept


i think i'm having a secret affair with earl grey


actually felt so eager for a brew..


i broke my 5am breakfast rule

-pint of water first thing
-3 apples


i was that desperate to get my earl grey fix

it's the scent that has me hooked


really marginally it was 4.15am



eugh


first sight i have ever noticed

i am getting dark rings under my eyes





typically like them morning caffeine chasers

i want to avoid this



all i wanted was to enjoy a brew

lets hope its worth it

this is england

Growing up


i found (still do) skinheads some the most malicious characters in cultural society
i find it odd when people seem to glamorize this cult

classically fighting bare knuckles

headbutts as fists

spit to pavement signals the end to the fight



just memories leave my heart palpitating



source

Check the guy in the front middle


he is a complete spitting image of one of the boys from my school

in all honesty

he was a looker


but fuck

he was scary as shit


as fast as a whippet

able to jump over a high wall when the headteacher Mr Joice [joicey] tried to collar him




source



i wonder

BOY LONDON

a southern brand didn't really catch on trend in the north

it makes me wonder

are punks friendlier?

would they have filtered the trend up north

to maybe add some sort of diversity in the localised skinheads of my era?

Small token

Today is the first time I drank caffeine

since forever


caffeine makes me stir crazy

with headaches

that make my brain feel like its hemorrhaging


But it's ok

Because it's only Earl Grey

oh how i love this tea

[plus any cake with earl grey scent, divine]


and fuck shit

I got my first ADULT white hair!!

completely overwhelming and disgusted at the same time

I feel so helpless

and senseless

but secretly hoping I have superhero powers

white hair means wisdom, right?

cool..




i kid

I"M GETTING OLD


here we go

what the funk

I need to jot my thought down more often

kinda penting my brain up with too much fuzz

das ist nicht so gut



Anyway

I have been battling highs and Lows of myself

I haven't been coping well after my grandads funeral in September 2010

[it's taken this long and ongoing]


Although

making much progress with myself I do believe



it's not fun being sad

I'm not familiar with this feeling

I have found alot of 'self-discovery'-ing


I don't deal with Death very well
I hide sadness, I think it exposes the weak side to me which i detest
I have been denying myself of remorse
I stifle my cries and tears
I hate confessing my real real feelings
I try to present this politically correct self-being of normality
I beat myself up for what I believe is wrong when its actually ok
I hate to reveal that I have been self loathing
I am defensive to myself and lie to myself to kid myself until reality is a blur
I shouldn't keep striving for what use to be the former happy self
I need to realise time is a healer

I have accepted my Grandad has passed away
it should not be this dark
but in reflection
A celebration of his life overall


I still need to work on me
I am glad I am taking steps

every baby step is a huge milestone

summary of me for now

I feel that i accomplish small things with the largest of efforts





kinda been doing freelance work

(need to score some dollars no' dollars)


and sometimes this questions' my emotives

I would like to buy a new watch


What??

or maybe some new headphones

Yes

Those Nixon headphones i have been eyeing up for so long

or THOSE nixon products in general

I don't make any sense


I can't stop justifying this lust for

-I don't really need these things

-but phwoar these items are so lust worthy

and kinda sexy..


I don't make any sense


Why can't I make sense of all this


I always think

I always like to try to be rational


not really working on this thought cloud

Meh

Either or Either

Bad Sex

or

No Sex



No Taste

or

Bad Taste



too Little

or

not Enough




i like to
dunk my digestive biscuits
in my earl grey tea
with soya milk







sometimes i am/ i feel neither or either or sometimes

all together


everything