hello restless me we meet again

weep.

i am nothing without my sleep.
here i sit
not slept a wink
i can hear the birds cheeping smugly


i blame you kit kat chunky
i blame you black caffenated tea

weep

they
don't
give
a
shit

while i stirr around some more

sleep
sleep
sleep

c'mon i know i want to.

season of nothing

horrific news in the media lately
must focus on myself not to let it suppress(?) me too much..



i can't help thinking about timing and planning about where my life is at this stage,
i have hit a major empty spot,
where my life is at a pause,
my love life is at a void,
a stark comparison to what it was 2/3 years ago,
I get it,
I haven't been out socialising enough to meet people,
then other times i let opportunities slip and pass me,
that guy wearing a smiths tee?
he was so perfect,
that guy who positioned himself next to me in the chillout bar,
tentatively veering over my shoulder to say hi,
i was vacant.
i just seem to float,
not really sparkling or shining
just fizzling out.

well,
what a disaster,

i do not want to be a prowling 30 year old femme
plucking up men during their 30's when things are on the downhill slide.

after getting a taster of dating a 32 year old when i was 21,
the sex to him, is an acceptable 10 second hump and a roll over snooze??
a strenuous & arduous task of breakfast/dinner exchanging blank glances
silent conversations stirring to abyss
also this one was into striking arguments and torment
pathetic as it was,
it was one of them cowering over me in bed to scorn me
i now hear from him when his failed relationships are of course inevitable
and i hear his lame smatterings of the 'good times' we shared
hoping for a pity fuck
men are bastards and this extends to grown men i have dated

i am yet to find an all rounded guy,
i'm over cokeheads, meph dudes, boy about town.
a simpleton would be nice,
a personable
normal dude.

i just need to get out more
yeh,

yeh.

drifter

i want to fall in love,
i think.

i want to wear nail polish again,
i'm thinking.

i am feeling happier,
i'm trying.

i should go for a morning run,
i'd like to.

i want to feel secure,
i hope.


some thoughts for now,
on this Wednesday night before i go to rest.


adios.

the media

what is with all the shit news going on at the moment
the news scandal is complete gripe
can it just be nipped in the bud already?

i use to like the news
its good to be topical
but it's kinda losing the plot

nonsense

slightly
maybe

avoiding my thoughts.


yadda
yadda
yadda

faster faster

i was so convinced i was starving hungry

.
so hungry

that i whipped up a massive bowl of:

wholewheat pasta
tuna mayo
half of green peppers
2 artichoke hearts
olive oil
+ seasoning (i love pepper)


within my PB time of 10 minutes!!


now?

hmm,

not so much hungry

i feel very burpy

maybe because i swigged a pint of herbal tea



hungry eyes

not so much hungry stomach

Sale

i'm not being funny

but,

condoms are 2 for £10 since when??



kick in the face.

Go

red
yellow, green

apple
banana, pear


today's breakfast.

for some strange reason,
this feels like an empty choice
i'm not hungry
but my body is waking up and needs nourishment,
but i'm not hungry i feel..
yet my body is demanding i feed it



red
yellow, green

apple
banana, pear

message

rah.

i had to say something about my dress


my mind is wiring

it's not healthy.

lethargic

i feel unhappy

anyway
a foul mood is a foul mood

meh,


nothing seems to be sticking

nothing seems to be moving

nothing seems to be changing


i'm still in the same spot


i can't seem to get into reading as i use to
what happened?

i don't want to finish what i start,
yet i do,
at a later date

which,
is still
NOT GOOD ENOUGH


to conclude

it has to be my turbulent sleeping pattern

that i tried so hard to get on track

and it has gone tits up


i don't sleep

i nap here or there

i steal a moment to nap when,

really? is that necessary?


really unsatisfied sleep is THE worst


i am so craggy,

and desperate

for some solid sound sleep


Fuck.
Wank.
Tit.

pent

my womanly feelings are hyper sensitive lately.


i can say i can normally tone down the emotions (jeez, there goes that word)

super erratic lately, up to this moment

I feel angry.

my heart is pounding

i'm actually tremoring

agitated


really ticked off.

my focus is insanely out of proportion

nearly every sentence wants to involve a swear word,

but whats the point in that??


i'm late on my period,

it's excruciating

i feel erratic

angsty

horrific nightmares


i cried twice today

to myself,

honestly. exactly,

why?

i have no reason

no answers to my woman behaviour

just typically unreasoning with myself


i feel so angry


c'mon
i just wish my period would come

and drain all this angst and aggression

i'm also having these darting pains in my boob

etc

i hate this time of the month

especially when it's facking late

start

happy breakfast
happy stomach

decided against a morning run

misery gloom weather scared me into changing my mind


also,

eerie black crows circling my neighbourhood

kinda creepy


whats the big deal crows?

so noisey...

lump in my throat.

ahh.

i don't know how i feel about this.


a friend has my dress,
noticeably i knew this would happen,
it has been used for a number a fashion editorials,
i can't help but feel a little angsty,
given that i have not worn the dress yet,
i loaned the dress to her for one shoot,
not aware it is being used for numerous shoots,
in my mind,
the dress being worn by a number of strangers,
the dress is pretty delicate being silk and silk chiffon,
kinda pricey dress too
it is a tiny fit,
meaning i am going to expect the seams to be stretched out,
god forbid, some tearing to the fabric too,

i feel so wrong about this,
i hope she is a true friend and respected my belongings
i just wished you would've asked me or let me know?

i seem to be in a pot of bad luck when it comes to friends lately

sucks to be me huh?


it's just a dress
it's just a dress
it's just a dress
it's just a dress

_

let me get what i want

restless
i cannot drift off
want to be getting my sleep on
do not like writhing around awake

what i would do for a good night sleep tonight


..

fucking summer

i despise the Sun

i hate Summer with a passion


I'm a winter child

i prefer to be too cold

this weather never brightens my mood


i grew up in a grey and dull city

i thrive when it rains


my life is suited best for Autumn and Winter

when Summer comes around,

I am allergic to everything

I have heat lumps everywhere

i feel so uncomfortable


I'm trying to embrace this weather

break a smile for the blazing sun


while my mind begs for rain


going to wallow in some smiths


cemetery gates // the smiths

In the pursuit of beauty?

I am falling into this bracket

beauty?

i want it.
i want in.

i shouldn't have watched that damn documentary about Super Botox Me.


there is this draw for perfection

you know what,

i felt inferior

i want to be beautiful too

'i don't want botox' i recap myself


just thinking ahead of how to preserve myself now before my age doubles in 20 years time

more than ever i definitely have been gorging in the mirror more more

gorging at all my hideous imperfections

.
and exhale
.

what are these damned thoughts

i feel that i am constantly negotiating to be OK with myself


to be more grateful for what I have

how to respect me as i am


i can try now
stop with all this silliness

right now