make cup

had a little experiment with my ol' make-up

i felt so apprehensive whether i could remember how to draw it on

i haven't worn make-up for roughly 10 months


i'd hate it if my face needed make-up or that the face looked too made-up

if i keep a balance somewhere in between.



from looking at the make-up assortment looking pretty safe at the mo

i want to update with:

coral or peach matte powders/shadow
midnight blue eyeliner/shadow
gray eyeliner?


also abit pissed off that my mac black pot liner has dried up

hmpf.

i barely even used it.


also wondering whether i should repay a visit to nail varnish

having a huge break up with nail varnish after my nails became brittle and weak

so..

not sure if it is worth it

.


tbc.

these things

things to do about something:-


i'm thinking my make-up needs updating

neutral shades for the au natural look. always always


i'm thinking i am in need of a haircut

a decent haircut. shorter? layered? decisions decisions.


i'm thinking i need to tone up the thighs

kinda been indulging into macaroons & sesame snaps. what was i thinking


i'm thinking of trialing out vest bra's

should i? do they work? bra's irritate the hell out of me..it can be my new thing


i'm thinking about re-piercing my ears

the 4th bastard time, godammit super healing skin of mine.

steps

maybe for once

since forever

i can feel the 'old me' coming back

the 'old me' in which i feel my most normal me

this small baby step is very significant

in words that I can't express

having lost my self in a slight Blip in my life

i can feel a slow inkling of what i use to be

the best of what i am

nothing major

but something as a milestone for me

i hope this gets better

i have so much to do

and want to achieve

_




:)

this is me and where i am

I can't help but notice

i am getting old


I can see the wearing away of my skin

slight crevices appearing


this is absolutely frightful.


maybe it's called maturing

maybe.



i have major garlic breath

from the raw cloves i lumped into my spaghetti carbanara for brunch


garlic is good for wrinkles right?

i think

..

et moi

"The fundamental human problem is that people are afraid of change."
— Rei Kawakubo


colliding with a lot of thoughts and all

getting so heady lately

the opposite of change would be, same?


~

reverse change of topic.

my brother is the biggest wanker
ever come across

'so i'm avoiding carbs, and that includes fruit as carbs, but i'm so hungry i guess i will eat that danish pastry'

so i have heard nothing for 4 years about his diet
it has been the most tiresome bullshit
he would rather eat Fat than Carbs, meaning junk food to fruit and veg
he has the most fucked up ideals
i'm sick of hearing,
'does it look like i've slimmed down yet'
every second of the day
of course, he is still large, big, fat.
he switches up his diet EVERYDAY
high protein this, cottage cheese & quark, only peanut butter a day, protein shakes, creatine that, 10 eggs breakfast, tuna mayonnaise snack and Mcdonalds on the side.
meanwhile i have watched his hair disintegrate, his skin look ravaged and a dull complexion, implicated digestion problems the list is endless all for what?
has he lost weight and toned down?
For 4 years running, nothing has changed

what can i do?
i have said what can i say to make him listen, i am at my utmost wits end.

his stubborn and uneducated ways,


arsehole
go your own way
at your own peril.

mantra for now on

oah shit.

i just realise this:


Feelings come. Feel them, and then let them go. Don't hold on



yes.

round and round

forget about him
forget about him
forget about him
forget about him
forget about him
forget about him
forget about him

be done with it already.


find new fields

move on

you know i'm wasting time and it's never meant to be

you should know that when you find something new

it'ul be refreshing,

this is good for you

all i need to do is to move on

no more pointless wistful thinking

you're best at cutting to the point

so DO IT

.

to do

i sometimes forget to breathe.


.
as silly as it sounds

it's true

i don't inhale

and my heart starts murmuring harder

and i am on the edge of suffocating myself

[ on the edge.. heh heh at gaga reference ]



this plays really hard on my body and i'll feel sick and nauseated

pretty fucked up.

i know why i do this

and my conscience tells me this


i don't like to think
i'm breathing in germs

i have a weak immune system

to counteract this

i self conciously tell myself avoid breathing in



anyway

i need to put a stop to this

my chest is burning at the moment

with my heart is tripping out at this minute


i noted this

let me realise this

and make changes




yer mon

piano fingers

i threw away all (most) of my piano books
feeling the anxiety of missing now..

all i want to do is play the piano

i am having a wave a guilt plague over me

would i have wanted to play the piano had i not thrown away the books?

i wasn't even that great at the piano
only the tinkering kind of playing piano player

i am a frustrated piano player

getting a hardcore migrane from this,



get it out of my system.

a Saturday afternoon

the weather has been awful

i have been wanting to go for a run around the fields in the morning, while the sun is peeping in the horizon it really is a sight to soak in, maybe i'll take a picture sometime

also while warming up [ limbering up for the jog to avoid silleh injuries ]

i like to wave to the concordes that rip across the sky

who gives a fuck if people in their houses see me

at 4am everybody are in a submissive sleep mode

it is only until 6am until i start smelling the frying of sausages

kinda off putting.

i like running

it puts me in this realm of feeling the space around you

while i don't take running in the direction of losing weight anymore

it was a stupid mistake to ever punish myself that almost left me worse off

i try and take running to mediate and ground myself

y'know with this weather

i kinda like the heavy raining

the sun always shines after

_


lost my train of thoughts after returning from dinner

which i spoiled from eating pringles before

stupid shit..



anyway this I am really into this song at the moment

Danny Bryd // Moonwalker

London Speak

things they say in London_


Just Sayin'
Obvz
Totes
Easy
BOOOOOOOOOM
Winner


and this is all enunciated in a Don't you know tone

also

Can you get me on guestlist
I'm DJing tonight

can be heard and read everywhere

noticeably these phrases trickle up to the Northern hemisphere too


mere & arbitrary observations of trends

plan

i need a plan

some direction

i don't have any goals anymore

i can't believe that I'd forgotten my plan to travel

it was an ambitious travel plan, in order:

Greece
Spain
Sweden
Italy
Taiwan (maybe)
Australia (maybe) (so close to going in the April just gone, sigh)


and now in my head there are plans of saving up a mortgage for a house..


all my plans have folded

oh and that plan to make it in the industry

dropped like a hotcake


i hate this loser attitude of mine.



i can't stop pausing for a thought.


one thing that plays on my mind

i know

I want to make it to Greece

a promise i made to a friend



Greece is recorded as the happiest place in the world

i can't believe I didn't get the spelling, happiest right first time round




i just want to find happiness

wake up shake up

crazy nature

last night was confusing

i woke up with the Sun rising


or so i thought.





it was actually the moon

and its Pre-lunar eclipse moving across the sky

it was so eerie

looked like a miami sun rising in the distance

[ but really magnified than ever ]


with the clouds sweltering along in the forefront


no sun.

only the moon



what a headfuck!

waking up assuming wow what a short sleep that felt

only

it was the a doppleganging moon

impersonating the sun!


shoulda known really


as if there would be a miami sunrise in England


silly me

plummet

ack.


i sometimes crave fashion

and then the opposite ends

Despise fashion

with a capital D


i went through bereavement through Fashion Week

a little on contrary of Funeral Week for me

this destroyed me.


i sent a super spaced out message to all the people that were trying to get in touch with
as I went A.W.O.L and did not want to be found




I said this freaky shit from the top of my head and from the bottom of my heart beated out_


i don't know who i am anymore




pretty deep.

at the time


i'm better now

but it's clear that my fashion has changed it's meaning to me


it feels fabricated

a bit like arson


up in flames




my wardrobe, aplomb with patterns, colours, cuts
several new items unworn
feminine, youthful, eclectic, vintage blah
a few designer pieces by hussein chalayan

i feel this guilt

all my clothes are stacked there lifeless


i can't relate to any of this

and yet i feel this draw to fashion

some days feeling the urge to scour online for clothes i may want

searching for something to resonate with me



i hope i can make sense of all this

if i voice this

i can trace my journey


find some clarity to all this


madness?

image

it's taken a lot of strides to get confidence




i had a small glimpse of confidence a couple of years ago

only a glimmer



is it so bad that this feeling plays so hard on my heart

which makes it feel so

pounding

for a better sense of self acceptance?_



i have no confidence

i build on it daily

if it's not my own bullying to knock me down

it's others


i am different to others

i'm fine with that


without fail

i will attract unwanted attention from strangers/randomers everytime in public

without fail


whether its sexist remarks or the old favourite, racism

it actually makes me angry

i don't back down and shy away into the distance as fast as i did in the younger years at 16


i am more furious now

i suppose i have begun to hold myself better

and now my temper makes me more brave

to tell em to fuck off


and if i have managed to make that individual realise his point of ignorance

for my ill mannered actions

then so be it


because when a new day comes around

my tomorrow begins with sexism and/or racism everyday


and i can face one less prick in society

it's a start to something






the bastards.

lighter

i do alot of thinking

yet for me,

thinking is not good for me

as i have so many cloudy thoughts

i have intense anxiety attacks now


this means nothing gets resolved

and

become jumbled up



anyway

a sight for the hills


writing on here helps

and also decluttering my bedroom

the room that objectifies my thoughts and memories in one confined space


I am taking to throwing out alot of stuff

it's been hard

i am such a hoarder

too many trinkets of memories

but anyway cut throat

lets get on with it


it feels good



what helps is declaring to myself

if my life can fit into one backpack what would i take

[ inspired by the film, Up into the Air ]


i need to be ruthless

it feels good

it's only one step at a time

and every clear out gets bigger and bigger

which shows how many clear outs i'll be needing if i am to be taking out so many clear outs, if that makes sense



anyway

i am rather burnt out today

albeit a feel-good momentum styley



meh


[also my scatter brain, i am making so many spelling, grammer errors. i hate this so much, i hate unpolished writing and i hate atrocious spelling, it just isn't on, for my standards that i hold against myself]

aaand relax

what a tragedy

woe is me


here's to strategic techno crap

just to get things working


i have succomb to this tech nerd reading up

just to understand that my beloved laptop needs more software affection to live


and to do this i need to fork out moneh


NO FAIR


you bastards APPLE

milking money from me


AND

i bought i freaking ipod that i can't even play with

mega balls


if only it was this simple


i am suckered in to now possibly owning every item from Apple

you jammy cunts

while i just want to play my music

and dance

[ idance hehe ]


loudly

maybe gym times too

or music to help rock me to sleep


all not possible

until i buy more techno funk


so it can work






i'm in a bad mood with technology

speech

easy
y'good
good?






HUH??
wha


i mean how are you?


seriously

talking to Londoners

it's like a whole new language

called


pig ignorant



cannot wait for my ipod to arrive
so i can mute these bastards

ooh maybe i'll get them nixon headphones


parfait!!

sounds like a plan

Today is wednesday

got to say no to blueberry muffins

momentarily only i'm thinking


otherwise hello muffin tops and bingo wings



went for a pathetic jog at 4am


but i suppose

the pilates are doing the work

and the spastic dance to some garage tunes helps

i'm liking pilates

i can actually see results and my arms like slender

yee-ha


i gobbled 2 blueberry muffins yesterday

gobbled

which meant i didn't give enough time to enjoy it

such fool

so if i bust my arse off in working out

hopefully its all good in da hood


i feel good today

for the first time in ages

Sunday 5th june

i am obsessed with the 5 fruits & veg a day attitude


however

kinda been been slacking lately

my body or hormones are acting ridiculously


it wants this
it wants that

nothing is good enough

i think my body is in a nasty mood



anyway
time i cut this out

implementing fruit whether my body likes it or not


my mind feels uncontent in this moment

i hate hormones

i wish i could throw them in the bin

just like that


gone

move it

exercise

you killer you

always the optimist and partially memory loss

to forget the

PAIN GAIN from exercising


I'm sure I took it easy

easy as in pathetic 3 laps [walking and jogging]


anyway all over pain sensation over my body

but i take secret pleasure in the pain

every humming pain

reminds me why it's good to be here


going to move onto pilates

here comes the pain brigade


oik

so long slow night

head bopping de bop

to kings of leon

[ really singing loudly/awfully/soulfully texas slur styley ..lolz 2am into the night ]

ehm..



i'm so glad kings of leon are a band that they are

i only like Aha shake heartbreak & because of the times album

it's the best gig they will ever perform that resonates with me

the energy and foot stomping

best memoirs ever 2007 or was it 2008?




oh and i went running for the first time this year!

mental


it was a good effort

and the fact it was 4am in the morning

super impressed with how i managed to talk myself into that one




slow night so long