hello

whaddup

mu'fucking blog!


it's been a while.

hour of this time

as if i'm sat up awake listening to massive attack


urgh.


anyhoo
reading the guardian article about pasta
and the wonderful oddities it brings


i for one
love pasta,
i've been having it for breakfast..
what can i say
it's been my month of pasta craving
boy
have i been hammering it hard

also

gnocchi,
what's that all about?
i don't get it


uh oh
hungry now,

a sneaky sandwich methinks


naughty naughty cheeky sneaky.

hello restless me we meet again

weep.

i am nothing without my sleep.
here i sit
not slept a wink
i can hear the birds cheeping smugly


i blame you kit kat chunky
i blame you black caffenated tea

weep

they
don't
give
a
shit

while i stirr around some more

sleep
sleep
sleep

c'mon i know i want to.

season of nothing

horrific news in the media lately
must focus on myself not to let it suppress(?) me too much..



i can't help thinking about timing and planning about where my life is at this stage,
i have hit a major empty spot,
where my life is at a pause,
my love life is at a void,
a stark comparison to what it was 2/3 years ago,
I get it,
I haven't been out socialising enough to meet people,
then other times i let opportunities slip and pass me,
that guy wearing a smiths tee?
he was so perfect,
that guy who positioned himself next to me in the chillout bar,
tentatively veering over my shoulder to say hi,
i was vacant.
i just seem to float,
not really sparkling or shining
just fizzling out.

well,
what a disaster,

i do not want to be a prowling 30 year old femme
plucking up men during their 30's when things are on the downhill slide.

after getting a taster of dating a 32 year old when i was 21,
the sex to him, is an acceptable 10 second hump and a roll over snooze??
a strenuous & arduous task of breakfast/dinner exchanging blank glances
silent conversations stirring to abyss
also this one was into striking arguments and torment
pathetic as it was,
it was one of them cowering over me in bed to scorn me
i now hear from him when his failed relationships are of course inevitable
and i hear his lame smatterings of the 'good times' we shared
hoping for a pity fuck
men are bastards and this extends to grown men i have dated

i am yet to find an all rounded guy,
i'm over cokeheads, meph dudes, boy about town.
a simpleton would be nice,
a personable
normal dude.

i just need to get out more
yeh,

yeh.

drifter

i want to fall in love,
i think.

i want to wear nail polish again,
i'm thinking.

i am feeling happier,
i'm trying.

i should go for a morning run,
i'd like to.

i want to feel secure,
i hope.


some thoughts for now,
on this Wednesday night before i go to rest.


adios.

the media

what is with all the shit news going on at the moment
the news scandal is complete gripe
can it just be nipped in the bud already?

i use to like the news
its good to be topical
but it's kinda losing the plot

nonsense

slightly
maybe

avoiding my thoughts.


yadda
yadda
yadda

faster faster

i was so convinced i was starving hungry

.
so hungry

that i whipped up a massive bowl of:

wholewheat pasta
tuna mayo
half of green peppers
2 artichoke hearts
olive oil
+ seasoning (i love pepper)


within my PB time of 10 minutes!!


now?

hmm,

not so much hungry

i feel very burpy

maybe because i swigged a pint of herbal tea



hungry eyes

not so much hungry stomach

Sale

i'm not being funny

but,

condoms are 2 for £10 since when??



kick in the face.

Go

red
yellow, green

apple
banana, pear


today's breakfast.

for some strange reason,
this feels like an empty choice
i'm not hungry
but my body is waking up and needs nourishment,
but i'm not hungry i feel..
yet my body is demanding i feed it



red
yellow, green

apple
banana, pear

message

rah.

i had to say something about my dress


my mind is wiring

it's not healthy.

lethargic

i feel unhappy

anyway
a foul mood is a foul mood

meh,


nothing seems to be sticking

nothing seems to be moving

nothing seems to be changing


i'm still in the same spot


i can't seem to get into reading as i use to
what happened?

i don't want to finish what i start,
yet i do,
at a later date

which,
is still
NOT GOOD ENOUGH


to conclude

it has to be my turbulent sleeping pattern

that i tried so hard to get on track

and it has gone tits up


i don't sleep

i nap here or there

i steal a moment to nap when,

really? is that necessary?


really unsatisfied sleep is THE worst


i am so craggy,

and desperate

for some solid sound sleep


Fuck.
Wank.
Tit.

pent

my womanly feelings are hyper sensitive lately.


i can say i can normally tone down the emotions (jeez, there goes that word)

super erratic lately, up to this moment

I feel angry.

my heart is pounding

i'm actually tremoring

agitated


really ticked off.

my focus is insanely out of proportion

nearly every sentence wants to involve a swear word,

but whats the point in that??


i'm late on my period,

it's excruciating

i feel erratic

angsty

horrific nightmares


i cried twice today

to myself,

honestly. exactly,

why?

i have no reason

no answers to my woman behaviour

just typically unreasoning with myself


i feel so angry


c'mon
i just wish my period would come

and drain all this angst and aggression

i'm also having these darting pains in my boob

etc

i hate this time of the month

especially when it's facking late

start

happy breakfast
happy stomach

decided against a morning run

misery gloom weather scared me into changing my mind


also,

eerie black crows circling my neighbourhood

kinda creepy


whats the big deal crows?

so noisey...

lump in my throat.

ahh.

i don't know how i feel about this.


a friend has my dress,
noticeably i knew this would happen,
it has been used for a number a fashion editorials,
i can't help but feel a little angsty,
given that i have not worn the dress yet,
i loaned the dress to her for one shoot,
not aware it is being used for numerous shoots,
in my mind,
the dress being worn by a number of strangers,
the dress is pretty delicate being silk and silk chiffon,
kinda pricey dress too
it is a tiny fit,
meaning i am going to expect the seams to be stretched out,
god forbid, some tearing to the fabric too,

i feel so wrong about this,
i hope she is a true friend and respected my belongings
i just wished you would've asked me or let me know?

i seem to be in a pot of bad luck when it comes to friends lately

sucks to be me huh?


it's just a dress
it's just a dress
it's just a dress
it's just a dress

_

let me get what i want

restless
i cannot drift off
want to be getting my sleep on
do not like writhing around awake

what i would do for a good night sleep tonight


..

fucking summer

i despise the Sun

i hate Summer with a passion


I'm a winter child

i prefer to be too cold

this weather never brightens my mood


i grew up in a grey and dull city

i thrive when it rains


my life is suited best for Autumn and Winter

when Summer comes around,

I am allergic to everything

I have heat lumps everywhere

i feel so uncomfortable


I'm trying to embrace this weather

break a smile for the blazing sun


while my mind begs for rain


going to wallow in some smiths


cemetery gates // the smiths

In the pursuit of beauty?

I am falling into this bracket

beauty?

i want it.
i want in.

i shouldn't have watched that damn documentary about Super Botox Me.


there is this draw for perfection

you know what,

i felt inferior

i want to be beautiful too

'i don't want botox' i recap myself


just thinking ahead of how to preserve myself now before my age doubles in 20 years time

more than ever i definitely have been gorging in the mirror more more

gorging at all my hideous imperfections

.
and exhale
.

what are these damned thoughts

i feel that i am constantly negotiating to be OK with myself


to be more grateful for what I have

how to respect me as i am


i can try now
stop with all this silliness

right now

make cup

had a little experiment with my ol' make-up

i felt so apprehensive whether i could remember how to draw it on

i haven't worn make-up for roughly 10 months


i'd hate it if my face needed make-up or that the face looked too made-up

if i keep a balance somewhere in between.



from looking at the make-up assortment looking pretty safe at the mo

i want to update with:

coral or peach matte powders/shadow
midnight blue eyeliner/shadow
gray eyeliner?


also abit pissed off that my mac black pot liner has dried up

hmpf.

i barely even used it.


also wondering whether i should repay a visit to nail varnish

having a huge break up with nail varnish after my nails became brittle and weak

so..

not sure if it is worth it

.


tbc.

these things

things to do about something:-


i'm thinking my make-up needs updating

neutral shades for the au natural look. always always


i'm thinking i am in need of a haircut

a decent haircut. shorter? layered? decisions decisions.


i'm thinking i need to tone up the thighs

kinda been indulging into macaroons & sesame snaps. what was i thinking


i'm thinking of trialing out vest bra's

should i? do they work? bra's irritate the hell out of me..it can be my new thing


i'm thinking about re-piercing my ears

the 4th bastard time, godammit super healing skin of mine.

steps

maybe for once

since forever

i can feel the 'old me' coming back

the 'old me' in which i feel my most normal me

this small baby step is very significant

in words that I can't express

having lost my self in a slight Blip in my life

i can feel a slow inkling of what i use to be

the best of what i am

nothing major

but something as a milestone for me

i hope this gets better

i have so much to do

and want to achieve

_




:)

this is me and where i am

I can't help but notice

i am getting old


I can see the wearing away of my skin

slight crevices appearing


this is absolutely frightful.


maybe it's called maturing

maybe.



i have major garlic breath

from the raw cloves i lumped into my spaghetti carbanara for brunch


garlic is good for wrinkles right?

i think

..

et moi

"The fundamental human problem is that people are afraid of change."
— Rei Kawakubo


colliding with a lot of thoughts and all

getting so heady lately

the opposite of change would be, same?


~

reverse change of topic.

my brother is the biggest wanker
ever come across

'so i'm avoiding carbs, and that includes fruit as carbs, but i'm so hungry i guess i will eat that danish pastry'

so i have heard nothing for 4 years about his diet
it has been the most tiresome bullshit
he would rather eat Fat than Carbs, meaning junk food to fruit and veg
he has the most fucked up ideals
i'm sick of hearing,
'does it look like i've slimmed down yet'
every second of the day
of course, he is still large, big, fat.
he switches up his diet EVERYDAY
high protein this, cottage cheese & quark, only peanut butter a day, protein shakes, creatine that, 10 eggs breakfast, tuna mayonnaise snack and Mcdonalds on the side.
meanwhile i have watched his hair disintegrate, his skin look ravaged and a dull complexion, implicated digestion problems the list is endless all for what?
has he lost weight and toned down?
For 4 years running, nothing has changed

what can i do?
i have said what can i say to make him listen, i am at my utmost wits end.

his stubborn and uneducated ways,


arsehole
go your own way
at your own peril.

mantra for now on

oah shit.

i just realise this:


Feelings come. Feel them, and then let them go. Don't hold on



yes.

round and round

forget about him
forget about him
forget about him
forget about him
forget about him
forget about him
forget about him

be done with it already.


find new fields

move on

you know i'm wasting time and it's never meant to be

you should know that when you find something new

it'ul be refreshing,

this is good for you

all i need to do is to move on

no more pointless wistful thinking

you're best at cutting to the point

so DO IT

.

to do

i sometimes forget to breathe.


.
as silly as it sounds

it's true

i don't inhale

and my heart starts murmuring harder

and i am on the edge of suffocating myself

[ on the edge.. heh heh at gaga reference ]



this plays really hard on my body and i'll feel sick and nauseated

pretty fucked up.

i know why i do this

and my conscience tells me this


i don't like to think
i'm breathing in germs

i have a weak immune system

to counteract this

i self conciously tell myself avoid breathing in



anyway

i need to put a stop to this

my chest is burning at the moment

with my heart is tripping out at this minute


i noted this

let me realise this

and make changes




yer mon

piano fingers

i threw away all (most) of my piano books
feeling the anxiety of missing now..

all i want to do is play the piano

i am having a wave a guilt plague over me

would i have wanted to play the piano had i not thrown away the books?

i wasn't even that great at the piano
only the tinkering kind of playing piano player

i am a frustrated piano player

getting a hardcore migrane from this,



get it out of my system.

a Saturday afternoon

the weather has been awful

i have been wanting to go for a run around the fields in the morning, while the sun is peeping in the horizon it really is a sight to soak in, maybe i'll take a picture sometime

also while warming up [ limbering up for the jog to avoid silleh injuries ]

i like to wave to the concordes that rip across the sky

who gives a fuck if people in their houses see me

at 4am everybody are in a submissive sleep mode

it is only until 6am until i start smelling the frying of sausages

kinda off putting.

i like running

it puts me in this realm of feeling the space around you

while i don't take running in the direction of losing weight anymore

it was a stupid mistake to ever punish myself that almost left me worse off

i try and take running to mediate and ground myself

y'know with this weather

i kinda like the heavy raining

the sun always shines after

_


lost my train of thoughts after returning from dinner

which i spoiled from eating pringles before

stupid shit..



anyway this I am really into this song at the moment

Danny Bryd // Moonwalker

London Speak

things they say in London_


Just Sayin'
Obvz
Totes
Easy
BOOOOOOOOOM
Winner


and this is all enunciated in a Don't you know tone

also

Can you get me on guestlist
I'm DJing tonight

can be heard and read everywhere

noticeably these phrases trickle up to the Northern hemisphere too


mere & arbitrary observations of trends

plan

i need a plan

some direction

i don't have any goals anymore

i can't believe that I'd forgotten my plan to travel

it was an ambitious travel plan, in order:

Greece
Spain
Sweden
Italy
Taiwan (maybe)
Australia (maybe) (so close to going in the April just gone, sigh)


and now in my head there are plans of saving up a mortgage for a house..


all my plans have folded

oh and that plan to make it in the industry

dropped like a hotcake


i hate this loser attitude of mine.



i can't stop pausing for a thought.


one thing that plays on my mind

i know

I want to make it to Greece

a promise i made to a friend



Greece is recorded as the happiest place in the world

i can't believe I didn't get the spelling, happiest right first time round




i just want to find happiness

wake up shake up

crazy nature

last night was confusing

i woke up with the Sun rising


or so i thought.





it was actually the moon

and its Pre-lunar eclipse moving across the sky

it was so eerie

looked like a miami sun rising in the distance

[ but really magnified than ever ]


with the clouds sweltering along in the forefront


no sun.

only the moon



what a headfuck!

waking up assuming wow what a short sleep that felt

only

it was the a doppleganging moon

impersonating the sun!


shoulda known really


as if there would be a miami sunrise in England


silly me

plummet

ack.


i sometimes crave fashion

and then the opposite ends

Despise fashion

with a capital D


i went through bereavement through Fashion Week

a little on contrary of Funeral Week for me

this destroyed me.


i sent a super spaced out message to all the people that were trying to get in touch with
as I went A.W.O.L and did not want to be found




I said this freaky shit from the top of my head and from the bottom of my heart beated out_


i don't know who i am anymore




pretty deep.

at the time


i'm better now

but it's clear that my fashion has changed it's meaning to me


it feels fabricated

a bit like arson


up in flames




my wardrobe, aplomb with patterns, colours, cuts
several new items unworn
feminine, youthful, eclectic, vintage blah
a few designer pieces by hussein chalayan

i feel this guilt

all my clothes are stacked there lifeless


i can't relate to any of this

and yet i feel this draw to fashion

some days feeling the urge to scour online for clothes i may want

searching for something to resonate with me



i hope i can make sense of all this

if i voice this

i can trace my journey


find some clarity to all this


madness?

image

it's taken a lot of strides to get confidence




i had a small glimpse of confidence a couple of years ago

only a glimmer



is it so bad that this feeling plays so hard on my heart

which makes it feel so

pounding

for a better sense of self acceptance?_



i have no confidence

i build on it daily

if it's not my own bullying to knock me down

it's others


i am different to others

i'm fine with that


without fail

i will attract unwanted attention from strangers/randomers everytime in public

without fail


whether its sexist remarks or the old favourite, racism

it actually makes me angry

i don't back down and shy away into the distance as fast as i did in the younger years at 16


i am more furious now

i suppose i have begun to hold myself better

and now my temper makes me more brave

to tell em to fuck off


and if i have managed to make that individual realise his point of ignorance

for my ill mannered actions

then so be it


because when a new day comes around

my tomorrow begins with sexism and/or racism everyday


and i can face one less prick in society

it's a start to something






the bastards.

lighter

i do alot of thinking

yet for me,

thinking is not good for me

as i have so many cloudy thoughts

i have intense anxiety attacks now


this means nothing gets resolved

and

become jumbled up



anyway

a sight for the hills


writing on here helps

and also decluttering my bedroom

the room that objectifies my thoughts and memories in one confined space


I am taking to throwing out alot of stuff

it's been hard

i am such a hoarder

too many trinkets of memories

but anyway cut throat

lets get on with it


it feels good



what helps is declaring to myself

if my life can fit into one backpack what would i take

[ inspired by the film, Up into the Air ]


i need to be ruthless

it feels good

it's only one step at a time

and every clear out gets bigger and bigger

which shows how many clear outs i'll be needing if i am to be taking out so many clear outs, if that makes sense



anyway

i am rather burnt out today

albeit a feel-good momentum styley



meh


[also my scatter brain, i am making so many spelling, grammer errors. i hate this so much, i hate unpolished writing and i hate atrocious spelling, it just isn't on, for my standards that i hold against myself]

aaand relax

what a tragedy

woe is me


here's to strategic techno crap

just to get things working


i have succomb to this tech nerd reading up

just to understand that my beloved laptop needs more software affection to live


and to do this i need to fork out moneh


NO FAIR


you bastards APPLE

milking money from me


AND

i bought i freaking ipod that i can't even play with

mega balls


if only it was this simple


i am suckered in to now possibly owning every item from Apple

you jammy cunts

while i just want to play my music

and dance

[ idance hehe ]


loudly

maybe gym times too

or music to help rock me to sleep


all not possible

until i buy more techno funk


so it can work






i'm in a bad mood with technology

speech

easy
y'good
good?






HUH??
wha


i mean how are you?


seriously

talking to Londoners

it's like a whole new language

called


pig ignorant



cannot wait for my ipod to arrive
so i can mute these bastards

ooh maybe i'll get them nixon headphones


parfait!!

sounds like a plan

Today is wednesday

got to say no to blueberry muffins

momentarily only i'm thinking


otherwise hello muffin tops and bingo wings



went for a pathetic jog at 4am


but i suppose

the pilates are doing the work

and the spastic dance to some garage tunes helps

i'm liking pilates

i can actually see results and my arms like slender

yee-ha


i gobbled 2 blueberry muffins yesterday

gobbled

which meant i didn't give enough time to enjoy it

such fool

so if i bust my arse off in working out

hopefully its all good in da hood


i feel good today

for the first time in ages

Sunday 5th june

i am obsessed with the 5 fruits & veg a day attitude


however

kinda been been slacking lately

my body or hormones are acting ridiculously


it wants this
it wants that

nothing is good enough

i think my body is in a nasty mood



anyway
time i cut this out

implementing fruit whether my body likes it or not


my mind feels uncontent in this moment

i hate hormones

i wish i could throw them in the bin

just like that


gone

move it

exercise

you killer you

always the optimist and partially memory loss

to forget the

PAIN GAIN from exercising


I'm sure I took it easy

easy as in pathetic 3 laps [walking and jogging]


anyway all over pain sensation over my body

but i take secret pleasure in the pain

every humming pain

reminds me why it's good to be here


going to move onto pilates

here comes the pain brigade


oik

so long slow night

head bopping de bop

to kings of leon

[ really singing loudly/awfully/soulfully texas slur styley ..lolz 2am into the night ]

ehm..



i'm so glad kings of leon are a band that they are

i only like Aha shake heartbreak & because of the times album

it's the best gig they will ever perform that resonates with me

the energy and foot stomping

best memoirs ever 2007 or was it 2008?




oh and i went running for the first time this year!

mental


it was a good effort

and the fact it was 4am in the morning

super impressed with how i managed to talk myself into that one




slow night so long

Rawsome

I'm so fascinated by twins

like vegetarians


they are amongst my life a lot


kind of like mixed race chinese people too






I am neither of these people




I always wanted this

believing it makes me somewhat special


however

I was born ambidextrous

[ yawn ]


which leads me to question is this why my brain feels

awkward and skewed



yeh i get to use cutlery back-to-front
yeh it's great to use scissors either hands eloquently
yeh i would write my name backwards as a child


not so fascinating


however twins!

so much more appeal





yeh?
yeh, it's no big deal
-my twin friend


i remark

I am actually a Leftie
my parents taunted my childhood
swopping me to a Right

i feel like i'm living a lie

what a hoax

a fraudulent


and it is said Leftie's are far more intellects than Rights'



i am a Leftie at heart

but probably the dumbest Leftie around

Go to the record store

i believe a beautiful life begins in a beautiful breakfast



[ this is great! as i write the opening words 'i believe'
oh hello Simian Mobile Disco 'i believe'
its been such a long time
although i pondered around thinking it was a Hot Chip track
silly memory
silly me ]




I had an ugly breakfast today

this makes me sad


i did begin with a bowl full of strawberries

sweet and delightful

didn't hesitate to finish them off


thought this was going well


then BAM




i decide for a Korean ramen breakfast

something mailable

something soupy

something spicey


enter silly me

i broke an egg in

I have seen the korean's do this with their ramens


looks' a good eating they say


not so good for me

i didn't let the egg cook through enough

made my noodle soup look a complete mess

complete noodle abombmination


not even the sprightly yellow sweetcorn & spring green onions could save the image i was about to eat


what a let down


a sad breakfast leads to shit start

although the chilli sauce made it very palatable


also what the fuck it that Daft Punk album Tron all about
what a load of tosh
I had to delete the album
So bad

also what the fuck 3D films?
a complete eye fucking
the kind of feeling like you just snorted water through your nostrils

when did normal terrestrial become so passe

listening to Simian Mobile Disco

are my simple times

also had a rerun through my Smiths playlist




let this help restore the imbalance of wrath of my ugly breakfast

creepy neighbors

a mere observation



whenever we hoover up the house

the neighbors do too


when I listen to Oasis on loud

the neighbors do too


when we decide it's sausages for tea

the neighbors do too



coincidental observations



the Oasis thing is definitely creepy creeper

Item. The Whore Friend

i've had enough





of friendss


going through a friendship break is more heart wrenching than any relationship break up put together

it's a certain bond that feels like your closest family


how can that be

when we are all strangers in this world

you invest time, effort,

creating a bond


people can be selfish

but your too nice

of course


they expect you will always understand

lets stop being a silly fool now


from now on

i am going to avoid these suckers like the plague


enough.


with shit motivations

with shit screwy affairs

with shit ideals



she says_

'it doesn't count as sex if he puts his penis in you for 1 minute'
'so I'm having sex with my cousin, but it's okay because he's a great guy'
'I can't believe he made me pay for the drinks for the first time'
'I've been with every male friend except one, I want him as well'
'He's not so clued up in bed, but his friend is much better at sex thank god'
'I like that i have a clean slate and never cheated on anyone'
'my mother still believes i haven't had sex'

Whore Friend


I ended this friendship

overwhelmed is an understatement

done
I can't take her shit anymore
I can't do it
[ she also took other liberties in our friendship that took it's toll
it's just her insane whoring ways are too much to handle ]


goodbye Whore Friend

.

what tha


.

eat

I AM HUNGREH



oooh

i'm hungry

i cannot sleep

and

feel

the urge

to succumb

to the forgotten




MIDNIGHT FEASTING


i feel like a fox

operating at night

on the forage for foodage

except

i wanna make a meal meal

rather than a measly looking snack



ok go go go


i know whats coming


and

i

ALWAYS

listen to my stomach calling




hungry monkey

very Fortunate

PHEW



almost got a massive karma kicking




i did a freelancing job and have been waiting around for payment

i started to get concerns as I did the job,
sent the work off,
haven't heard back for ages,
thought I got mugged off,
which
i hate being played a fool,
panicked about not putting copyrights blah blah mah
considered writing an email with the hell wrath of my fury
rationalised for a second
gave it more time
gave up hope
considered it my loss


ahhhhh

whats up morning glory!


got the email that the payment has been made!

and this is when i am glad

I have some kind of patience


Really thank god

I didn't send a Hell on Earth Wrath of Fury of an email



I feel that wave of silliness overcoming


ooh shit

by the skin of my teeth



heebie jeebies

feeling lighter around my shoulders now

fashion

Playground 2011 - Guest Editor - Alex Noble - 5 Minutes - ENG from Swatch MTV Playground on Vimeo.

Alex Noble pretty much sums up my battles

except

i still don't know where i belong


at the bottom of my heart

i feel that i want to live on an island in Greece


that would nice wouldn't it..

Breakfast Series

today for my breakfast I eat,

entitled_


Indecisive lavish Breakfast





As follows I have_


the Earl Grey & soya milk in my oversized central perks cup

small bowl of blueberries

Two brioche rolls, filled with honey & smoked salmon, cheese, cracked black pepper and rapeseed oil






breakfast time: 5:14am

Lady Gaga and me

i like her lots lots lots ^^

infact so much

I am such a Fan!


i think she's utter amazeballs



my FAV song from the new album

is the BOMB!






i wish i was blonde

so i can say_

i want your whisky mouth
all over my blonde
south


I had my Gaga moment here Oct 2009





Just Dance!



+plus my incognito moustache doodled in


this was for halloween when i worked as a bar staff at work

people didn't get it




punter: Who are you dressed as? Lightning???

...




thank god Gaga made it big

so i can carry on dancing like a gay man


♥

Tense

oh.


my fears of taking time out

is getting left behind




keeping on track and up to date

leaves this anguishing pain in my jaw & neck


very tense

its horrible


i am trying to grasp my style/ ethos if you will

in fashion or whatever it is_


i like clinical but on a contrary of warmth added


or some shit like that



i just feel that

sometimes it is never enough

can i do better?

Is it my best

it is so rudimentary to me

to be always super perfect

even though i will never be content with myself


realising this

maybe i can sort myself out

come to terms

of becoming at peace with myself

a little gratuitous towards myself



Init.

somewhere inbetween

meditation


is kinda a gray area for me

I am trying to embrace meditation


it's hard work

training yourself to slow down

re-evaluate

and touch base



i don't know what i have achieved so far

kinda fell as asleep 3 times yesterday when i set out to meditate

I hope it worked



i feel very passive

sometimes numb

sometimes a bit dumb

because you remove yourself into a space

that sends you either drowning or floating

i can't pin point this exactly


i actually feel very lost

sometimes forgetful

feeling slightly distressed


i had my cup of earl grey before

i am already feeling very sleepy


....

....

....

Memo for Wednesday

routine is becoming important to me

i never use to get it

pretty stubborn


making it up as i go along

i think i was kidding myself thinking it works


once i have been implementing a basic routine

my life seems to be the right side up

and not back to front and upside down


i awake at 4am (a little too early, but i was hungry for breakfast)

I craved noodles, which has been this constant craving that won't go away

well, seeing as the Koreans have noodles for breakfast, why not

plus carbs are friendly fuel


"High Carbs, Low fat"

is my new acceptance

I don't want to suppress myself anymore

I want to be happy,

I want my life back


Just looked at the clock

5:10am

should I go for a run?

I have managed to an early wake, a hearty breakfast & laundry washing..


it's the greatest effort of all,

running is no mean feat,

it's leaving the front door is my huge stint


oh and i must go to the pharmacy today,

i need to stop putting things off


but maybe be kinder to myself

in some order


destress myself

be happyier

stay focused

be positive

hat that is a shoeslipper

i hate flatcaps





they bring out the anger out in me


AND

WOMEN who wear flatcaps??

WHATT!!!


i hate flatcaps as much as i hate coriander


also

really

why is it

balding men resort to wearing flatcaps

and not other hat choices?


why not keep the head naked?


but really

why do women wear flatcaps

and that awkward sorry looking pony tail hanging at the back


estranged


i fucking hate coriander

caffeine buzz kill

awake at 4.30am

but really haven't slept


i think i'm having a secret affair with earl grey


actually felt so eager for a brew..


i broke my 5am breakfast rule

-pint of water first thing
-3 apples


i was that desperate to get my earl grey fix

it's the scent that has me hooked


really marginally it was 4.15am



eugh


first sight i have ever noticed

i am getting dark rings under my eyes





typically like them morning caffeine chasers

i want to avoid this



all i wanted was to enjoy a brew

lets hope its worth it

this is england

Growing up


i found (still do) skinheads some the most malicious characters in cultural society
i find it odd when people seem to glamorize this cult

classically fighting bare knuckles

headbutts as fists

spit to pavement signals the end to the fight



just memories leave my heart palpitating



source

Check the guy in the front middle


he is a complete spitting image of one of the boys from my school

in all honesty

he was a looker


but fuck

he was scary as shit


as fast as a whippet

able to jump over a high wall when the headteacher Mr Joice [joicey] tried to collar him




source



i wonder

BOY LONDON

a southern brand didn't really catch on trend in the north

it makes me wonder

are punks friendlier?

would they have filtered the trend up north

to maybe add some sort of diversity in the localised skinheads of my era?

Small token

Today is the first time I drank caffeine

since forever


caffeine makes me stir crazy

with headaches

that make my brain feel like its hemorrhaging


But it's ok

Because it's only Earl Grey

oh how i love this tea

[plus any cake with earl grey scent, divine]


and fuck shit

I got my first ADULT white hair!!

completely overwhelming and disgusted at the same time

I feel so helpless

and senseless

but secretly hoping I have superhero powers

white hair means wisdom, right?

cool..




i kid

I"M GETTING OLD


here we go

what the funk

I need to jot my thought down more often

kinda penting my brain up with too much fuzz

das ist nicht so gut



Anyway

I have been battling highs and Lows of myself

I haven't been coping well after my grandads funeral in September 2010

[it's taken this long and ongoing]


Although

making much progress with myself I do believe



it's not fun being sad

I'm not familiar with this feeling

I have found alot of 'self-discovery'-ing


I don't deal with Death very well
I hide sadness, I think it exposes the weak side to me which i detest
I have been denying myself of remorse
I stifle my cries and tears
I hate confessing my real real feelings
I try to present this politically correct self-being of normality
I beat myself up for what I believe is wrong when its actually ok
I hate to reveal that I have been self loathing
I am defensive to myself and lie to myself to kid myself until reality is a blur
I shouldn't keep striving for what use to be the former happy self
I need to realise time is a healer

I have accepted my Grandad has passed away
it should not be this dark
but in reflection
A celebration of his life overall


I still need to work on me
I am glad I am taking steps

every baby step is a huge milestone

summary of me for now

I feel that i accomplish small things with the largest of efforts





kinda been doing freelance work

(need to score some dollars no' dollars)


and sometimes this questions' my emotives

I would like to buy a new watch


What??

or maybe some new headphones

Yes

Those Nixon headphones i have been eyeing up for so long

or THOSE nixon products in general

I don't make any sense


I can't stop justifying this lust for

-I don't really need these things

-but phwoar these items are so lust worthy

and kinda sexy..


I don't make any sense


Why can't I make sense of all this


I always think

I always like to try to be rational


not really working on this thought cloud

Meh

Either or Either

Bad Sex

or

No Sex



No Taste

or

Bad Taste



too Little

or

not Enough




i like to
dunk my digestive biscuits
in my earl grey tea
with soya milk







sometimes i am/ i feel neither or either or sometimes

all together


everything

reading times

online shopping strikes again

but this time

i am way

MEGA excited!!


i ordered a whopping 4 BOOKS!!!

YEH MAN

cannot wait to read them

jejejejejejejejejejejejejeje

gruel

lemsip

you know your in the shit

when you have to whip the lemsip out

and why is it always the nasty lemon?


ughh

i need some blackcurrent lemsip


ill me

stupid me

snack habit

i have a growing snack habit

which i don't really mind

tastes gooood


crackers
chedder cheese
cream & jam scones
cream slices
penguin bars



yeh fat robot

fatty fatty

fatbot

fat body

so i ate that custard tart in the fridge

stupid me



my thighs are looking chubby chub

i need to start running

boo

there's just so much excuses after another..

get running fatty

traitor

my brother has placed a bet against utd vs chelsea


traitor!!

24

here's to being 24

i missed the celebratory day being ill back in December

not very glam




(shit i'm 25 this year!!!!)


anyway

my life is either moving snail pace or super sonic pace


i've got a whole lota ambition

i really need to make this year something

a bit of a rocky start

i need to look up

stay optimistic




writing notes here

need to clear my mind

and all that jazz

must save money

must save money
must save money
must save money
must save money
must save money

ignore sample sales

must save money
must save money
must save money
must save money
must save money

think about saving

must save money
must save money
must save money
must save money



i don't need materialistic meditation

go me

spring

getting along slowly


feeling mindless


I really fancy a grilled cheese panini


stupid family arguments


i don't know what the future holds


I miss my closest friends who are out of reach


at the end of the day, need to stay positive




that is all

wuzsurp

Tree Magazine

C L I C K E T Y C L I C K









wassap

wassup

wassurp

Over and over again

like a monkey with a miniture cymbol

playing this on a loop












wiling out

annomly

liquify from britta thie on Vimeo.

yehh

totally













-

-

i am really worried
i fear i may have lost my dear friend in Japan tsunami
the 11th March was his birthday too
i have never felt so helpless
never more than ever
i hope my prayers are heard

hello

its been a long time




The shins

Kissing the lipless // The shins










guilt taking over me when last played in Dec 2008

shiiii


this band hold so many memories

probably why I neglected them for so long





afterall

Caring is creepy is my all time favourite song ever


plus most played song ever says itunes

2 minutes in

i feel better already

ready to take on the day



6:20am

time for breakfast

brave your souls

can't believe it



i woke up today 5am with a spring in my step

turned on the news


Bam


the tsunami in japan

bam

it made me cry

so saddening



-

ihouse

i live in an ihouse





i feel sick to the stomach about being a product of apple


my dad bought the iMac last year only to return it as apple launched the same iMac only with bigger memory bla blah blah


anyway in the meanwhile


he purchased the iPad

assuming this would be enough

today


the ostentatious shiny screened iMac is sitting glaring in the living room


oh i so want to throw a rock at the screen




it's such a pointless being



muh

.:FASHION 16X9:.

.:FASHION 16X9:.

my favorite fashion film

logged here so i never forget about it


the designs by AF Vandevorst are such a dream

the motion media is so sophisticated


something to aspire by

nothing but green lights

i wish i could play the guitar

i wish i could better myself in some way

i wish i could appreciate things more

i wish i could do all the things i set out to do





nothing but green lights // Tom Vek



i feel so arbitrary

i don't feel here nor there

i feel like i am disappearing

Sankys

i wish i could make music





The Keep (Bowski RMX) // Boy 8-Bit












Dancing along to this

is just fine

webshite

so effing frustrated with myself

i hate understanding web domains and shite

trying to get myself together and put ME out there on the internet

it's such a fucking challenge

grr



i just dont want to be mugged by paying 60quid to mobile-me on apple...

and all this researching around trying to figure out what i need to do first?

buy a domain hosting site? was tha..



fine.

I can design my own webpage

fine.

I will produce my own portfolio

fine.



but how frick do i shift it over to the internet???

i want a fancy website too

is it too much to ask from myself

c'mon figure it out

I AM SUCH A STUPID SHIT

foodgasm

i'm not sure if this is excessive

i can cook


but sometimes i just cannot be bothered

however


i have been infatuated with ramen lately

i'm thinking it's my February mood food



2 cloves of garlic and garnish of grapeseed oil to my ramen



really jazzed up noodles

so what the fuck? food

but yum




silently jealous about the London Fashion Week shenanigans

i think i just need some peace

avoid all the obnoxious fashpack crowd

is it me or do the fashion crowd look so contrived for 2011

this generic code of dressing why thanks to street style blogs



anyway how amaze (LOLZ) did Yasmin Le Bon look down the the runway

you can't beat style and a classic icon

either you've got it or don't


go away all you fashion mongers

GENERICS!!














oh hello custard tart

mmmmmm

nutmeg

i need time

music to get over a mountain hill to get myself better


el perro del mar // change of heart

The radio dept // heavens on fire

Baths // animals



the words and titles have no significance to me at this point

just some kind of mello-dramatic noise in the background as distraction


distraction is good

my new tough

i hate myself sometimes for reacting in ways that i can't control

i keep finding myself lost

losing myself deep in my thoughts

and i find myself crying

and fucking hate this and i beat myself up about it

i still can't get over my grandad passing away

i completely understand that, that's how life rolls

i am totally a rational person

but what frustrates me is why can't i control myself to calm myself

i hate lingering on a subject

and why do i cry in moments?

i don't understand this.

not my words

Never ceases to amaze how little the staff in designer stores know about the things they sell. So much attitude, so little knowledge.




take note mutha fuckers!!

i hate shopping because of this

nothing offends me more than rudeness


eugh.

No diggedy

starting to really hate Alexander Wang..

Diggin' Simone Rocha


i really dig it

her last collection

Yum.

that metal stainless steel collar..

Yum.



meh


fashion

phashun

smashun




*note

i did a styled shoot and ranted on about her collection to a friend
then whadya know, my friend pulled her collection for shoot for Volt magazine

result!


Ye

Ye



Brap

food eats

Some old & new eats for this year im obsessing over


Hazelnut Butter

Almond Butter

marmalade & toast

brioche

grapefruit




strange

i am recently being kind to myself

allowing myself limitless sweet stuff

i keep finishing bags of jelly babies (wtf i hate haribos)

hot chocolates, olvatines & horlicks

i don't understand


is it my body telling me to find artificial ways to keep myself happy

because i am simply feeling blue all the time



hhmm

deep

ill

i give up

eugh


moan & groan


sooooooooo ill

when will it ever end

and the weather is being relentless on my health




i can't remember what it's like to be normal

i feel so rubbish

i feel like a vegetable

i am gonna winge till the cows come home


eughhhhhhhhh

squirm

holy smoke




i can't be helped

this dark secret of mine


i really dig korean pop

!!!


why is this happening


its got me saying

yeah

yeah

yeah

tae yang styles obvz









fuck me

whats happening

Goal

i can't drive

i can't swim


someone said

wow that's well dangerous if you don't know how to swim




got me thinking

going to learn how to drive for this year


at least i could attempt to drive myself out of a flood if worse comes to worst

as if i'm going to try and swim in dirty flood water


gross