Monday, 11 June 2012
Oh dear. I have something that has been plaguing my mind and pulling on my conscience. I feel dreadful trying to weigh up the area that i fucked up badly. At times, i think, so what? Move on it ain't that big of a deal, but if my morals have me pinned down, I have been feeling very remorseful over the last couple of days over something major? or minor? A friend caught me having a steamy snog with a random boy, in her bedroom, at the house party not long ago. Writing this down, i feel dog-dirt, but also in my experiences in comparison, this is very normal? ain't it? At a house party, surely, 2 people on a horn dog mission,it's a likely bet. This sounds to me something i would've witnessed happen at any house gathering i put my effort in attending in my previous years. Part of me, thinks how fucking lame is this, what kind of diluted house party would this offend you? I feel very pent up, after apologising my heart out to Amy, she was having none of it and screamed and told me to get out her house. I felt bad. She made me feel like dirt, shameful and also, i was high as horse and hearing her scream at me broke me down and sober up from extreme high as a kite to basement low come-down and apologise as it was my duty to say i'm sorry for using your room. I apologised twice, which wasn't the best idea, as she was still fuming, definately gave me that look as if to say, 'we are no longer friends' All this fogg of a fucked up drama, has me in such a grey and sickly health. If i can clear my head out on here and put it to rest, I carry far too much troubles on my shoulders and i feel drained and lifeless, over what was a numb house party. I say numb, close to the feeling that i overheard Rachel complain none of the people she invited to the party had turned up.While i stand there, clear to me now, i am often here to make up a number and a body. She wasn't very enthusiastic when I showed up as she was eyeballing my outfit and remedied her outfit similar to mine. Rachel calls me her competition before she calls me a friend. This leaves such an un-nerving chill down my spine. When all these years, the crumbling of our friendship became very frought to the end-all at this finale houseparty. I try and pick myself up from this, over the last couple of days. I can make new friends. As strategic and brutal as life narrates itself. I have tomorrow and beyond to create new friendship groups. Realising this has been a struggle to contend with, most of the time i am puzzled to what is this emotion i am going through. But to pick up and carry myself to go on as i mean, I shall start a new chapter in the coming days, start by getting out of this horrific funk. Start a something new. I feel better.
Monday, 4 June 2012
i can't collect my thoughts together to string along a sentence to makes sense is it because i'm having an irregular heart beat is it because my mind is looking for a reason is it because i have no appetite is it because i cannot unclench my jaw all above is painful. I went to a party of end-all last night the boy i have my eye on is going to attend but i obviously pretend that i don't know try and be a cool cat in my mind i have this all planned out and we shall make this happen tonight at this last party and then what? he spots me at the top of the stairs (or did i spot him first, and try and act breezy kinda thing.) oh shit. what the fuck. he stands with me. and i fucking ignore him. I freeze and carrying making convo with the mutual friend we share. this boy makes me nervous i loose my shit. and leave into another room? really. read. i run away. escape to the closest exit. leaving him dumbfounded thinking what the fuck. bitch. i never see him again i hate myself. which further more i meet another boy, outside the friend circle in my fucked up haze and a developing fuck-it-might-aswell attitude me and this 18 year old boy make a connection (thinking back, i have a feeling another girl was digging him from afar. but he tapped my leg, drank my beer, puffed smoke in my face, leaned in towards me while i chatted to his mate lit my cigarette which fuck. now realising, his girl admirer handed to me as a friendly gesture. I hope i said thanks) i need the toilet break. Boy follows. he approaches me like a boss. we fall into this passionate kissing frenzy we made a racket knocking the misc off the bathroom shelves i felt 18 again although a bit more experienced this time round i realise it was me pressing him up against the door he senses the mood and gropes me. not bad. he's not shy. it's nice to push his hand away from the prize one thing. i felt numb, no tingle no flutter i snort a couple lines of mdma my memory of last nights is a very broken memory but now i write this, hoping to clear my thoughts, so i dig this boy? Does he do it for me? my heart is beating strange beats my stomach is make flips my jaw lowers in memory of the clinches i had i exhale and think of what could have happened and exhale to what really happened