need to make the things happen to keep me occupied
I sound like a broken record
when did this happen
i want improvements
quick & fast
-i received a tall box that came in the post today and inside were a bouquet of flowers, pink ones, white ones, indigo ones, ones that haven't opened up yet and greenery ones to balance out the fuchsia
Note this has never happened to me so its a rather mementos moment finally
I make it pretty obvious whether i am into someone or not
this goes from living with my hot blond housemates for 3 years, make boys feel inferior and not bother and that they could pick boys up like flys to turd that, hey lifes too short and fellas suck at being smooth at the game (doesn't apply to the north, they know what to do)
on my recent night out, you get the hopeless scum of the crowd that think they have the chance
apparently I give off the most not interested, move, don't touch me look very well. so its clear
also my infamous despair look of what are you doing, what is it now yeh
i go for the type not the run of the mill looking guy, a bit aloof and hairy faced out of place guy minding his own business I am human something will take my fancy I'm not entirely repulsed by everything
i'm getting really hacked of at how dumb can guys get when I am not interested. Not stuck up or prissy, i'm dancing means i'm dancing.
No sexy dutty wind
the move i need space for my trippy epileptic rave dance
The hard arse pinching and backing off & retreating into the crowd. screw you. not cool
Haphazardly standing there hoping i will take notice. You bore. cheap raver
Immigrant grinders and hoverers. there should be shooting control at the borders of Dover
sometimes with all arms and legs flaying I should've punched a scum good & hard
ehm still deleting some what the fuck songs on my itunes
all the name for a faster running laptop
ORGASMIC tunes that i hold that i have forgotten about
Rikkalicious // Herve & Kissy Sellout
don't let the naff song itle throw you off
no drugs could possibly make me feel this euphoric
you know when you listen to one song and it jumps you to want to be at a venue 5am getting your groove on seek a fit guy finally from the mass of dick heads that you have been elbowing all night to back off, what the fuck are grinding me for at a rave you wanker, move. Finally you think fuck this shit, hold the fit guy and finally lock lips and the best tune is beating in the background and in that moment you could fuck the pants off him. The strobe lights hitting left right centre making you trip from the immense feeling.
i have only just recovered the last 36 hours of the events with a massive coma nap
so start 8am wakeup to begin my shop around
my purse or should i say my card got absolutely abused hard
shopped hard spent hard i cant emphasize this enough!
and then to the sample sale at the end of the day which i grimaced the thought of buying more
more pain to the credit card
but the collection was beautiful and one of them 'its a one-off, no one else will have it, i'm getting this for a bargain price, the jealousy of people wondering where can they buy it' therefore good reasons to buy it!
mine mine mine plus i don't have to lose sleep over it
after the intense shopping i met up with my friend and headed to see The Chemical Brothers dj
and i mean cardio-military style raving till 6am
my knees are all creaking and sore from that night, for chemical brothers its oh so worth it
i met someone, lets call him Hugo nothing serious but happy
and some twated girl tried to steal my belongings including my bag, she got very flustered when i told her to hand it back over.
not clever just retarded
the music was euphoric really need to track what they played
note. fucking private number calling 3:29am can't believe i hesitated about answering it as I cant second guess who it could've been. Afterall, there are numerous texts that i forget to reply, im am an absolute shit, so possible angry friends. Still check the time.. stalker. Definitely maybee
i discovered something that changed my perspective
i am surprised that passing people that have come into my life to know they take medication for their mind threshold and complexities.
as in they are mentally retarded a word people cannot gage with the deformities and cannot control the realities in life and use chemicals to hold them in place. Its strange that, when you think about this in depth.
sometimes i wonder how does my thinking develop, although I have serious skeptic thinking series where it divulges into the anomaly where it becomes so unexplainable I feel that it runs parallel to the trippy disfunctional memories that traps me immediately and i see this in some people and connect with them on a paranormal level.
to be be honest, in black and white i think i'm fucking mental after reading this back as would you all, but when you voice this out, its crazy to read what the mind thinks.
its raining really heavily outside and it's way into the late 3am zone and its blustering so hard you feel like the roof is going to be ripped right off. I like the sound how it makes you feel vulnerable but safe at the same time.
The weather is fueling my mood. Dark, miserable, grey and frowning. I'm really unhappy at the moment and just can't define why. Its just because.
I have so much work to do, I haven't started. I want to, but I just can't do it. I feel really depressed, angry and want everything else other than what I already have. To be happy. Nearly said 'fucking' happy but that makes me sound ungrateful and a bit of a prick.
just found the post i listed about Paul Kalkbrenner // Square 1
saddens me alot
the post i made about the song was in 2nd August 2009
the song was last played on 8th November 2009
Daul Kim left this place on the 19th November 2009
feelings are hard to define when a subject lies close to the heart, this song captivated me when Daul listed this on her blog and also a video clip, where she assisted DJ at Palais De Tokyo in Paris and she was playing the song Square 1 by Paul Kalkbrenner from the album Berlin Calling. She does the best funky house shuffle to the song and in general she is the best mover and groover that has ever crossed my eyes.
Yes, I am in awe of her, the fascination I had about her is unmeasurable and I am grateful that I have my own sentimental connection of music that she shared that I now closely carry.
It is only now that I've listened to this song, the distance of time to play this song again is painful to say the least, how can someone who I've never met and no acknowledgement of each other just feel so void.
actually i'm not as ready as I thought i was
Rest in peace Daul
Say Hi to James Dean for me
and when the heavy rain wakes me up in the middle night I think maybe thats you sending your blessing telling us all not to worry, it will all fall into place in the end alright.
I normally don't allow this and delete and no baggage to chug around
He is very inexperienced with lady specimens, immature and lives his life of i'm in the band, hopping back and forth to America, unemployed but always manages to find his feet.
In his childish ways he became attached to me, even though he knew that he is not capable of relationships. It didn't work for us and him not having a clue what he wanted and intimidated by women he stuck around when I was in my depths of relationships with other guys.
Quite obviously, it's not my problem I kept my distance and its not fair to him to think he has a chance and asked him to move on, being friends is not a good idea.
You'd think blanking someone is fair and for their own good. Let him develop his own relationships.
He stuck around like an irritating little flea. Waiting for me break up in my relationships, guilt tripping ideals that as friends we should see each other more and hang out.
I should never give the benefit for the Ex to remain friends, I never gave him hope that we will ever rekindle anything.
I find it vulgar and disgusting how he is constantly still trying.
i remember on a friday evening about 12am last year in september
I just finished a call to my then lover where he was upset that we'd spent the whole day deciding whether or not he should drive up from London to see me, it would've been 4 hour drive but by the time it was evening it just wasn't worth the exhaustion as he would have to leave the sunday morning.
I think it's funny to think back at the how loved up we were, I really like the beginnings of relationships, they are the best, the rush of it.
Anyway one of the housemates was away at home and the other room mate comes in from work
"what are you doing? get dressed there's a house party tonight. Everyones going. Its going to be huge"
1am we make a mad dash to get dressed and then some people in a car come and pick us up
We get there and theres this massive hubbub of people outside this tall mansion house.
There were like 7 floors and a massive garden
Every single room and area there was a DJ
there so many people it was like a club
there are numerous parties I'd been to over the last couple of years but my memory have seemed to have merged them all in to one.
"omg, I just caught H my roommate and Tom on the Living room floor having sex. I'm so shocked I thought he liked me and to think I actually liked him"
Its okay, Tom has chlamydia, don't touch him. he's done you a favor.
"OMG just walked into the kitchen again and caught them having sex again, I can't believe it, H is such a slut. I cannot believe her. Can't believe she would do this"
What time is it, 6am? Why are you even up? Well you knew Tom sleeps around, he's a proud manwhore what did you expect
"this is disgusting I can hear them at it"
Two years ago this girl began to lust for the cool, to be seen as cool, to be "lets stand over there, those guys look cool and he looks hot" things like that I would blink my eyes wide open and pretend the drunk hearing has taken over and stay put.
This has been really grating on me because she wants to try and get back into my life after I cut her out. From the offset of meeting her, she was already vying for centre of attention and self indulgent brat.
flat party "..I've got something to tell you, I've been sleeping with Alex from next door, I didn't know how to tell you because my boyfriend Will, he'll never speak to me again. Its only because Will doesn't excite me anymore. But it's really difficult because Alex has a really long term girlfriend and still likes her"
She didn't know how to tell me she is a whore. Amusing.
And her repercussions fell onto me as well as I knew Alex's then girlfriend, which then to her thinking bad of me because I was associated as the whores room mate. The whole social circle dynamics fucked.
Alex gets a new girlfriend
"I've caught chlamydia off Charlotte, Alex's new girlfriend. The tramp"
"I don't know how I'm going to tell Will about Alex and the other boy in the band I slept with, it'ul just kill him. No, I'll only tell Will about Alex and pretend nothing happened with the other guy"
Laughable. will you just give up, you've lost your own boyfriend now, the boy you was sneaking around with won't commit himself to you
" I'm going to shower. i'm going to sleep with Alex tonight, he really likes charlotte, Yeh. I'm going to sleep with him tonight."
"Just seen Tom, he looks really fit. He's coming back with me tonight"
i need to draw the line, stop waiting around for something to happen
because I'm getting nowhere and this is effecting everything i do.
So there's this fuck buddy that comes in and out of my life.
its been 3 and half years and I rejected him the most recent time even though i wanted it bad, is it that bad to say? But I was in one of them non-serious relationships at the time and did the right blah blah blah and turned him away, when i thought why the fuck did i do that? I was in a miserable relationship where the sex was dire and the thought of him sent me to despair. What can i say, i needed the fuck buddy and the gods answered my prayer and for some fucked up reason that coincidences happen, he was in town and he was calling to come round. I turned him down. I just can't do the nasty and what all the angry songs we hear on the radio sing about.
Gutted. Yes. Right. Yes. Feels good. No
Now I am frustrated, I have moved to a different area, where the talent to be frank is ugly. There is nothing remotely here that interests me in anyway. Im stuck in this mind where I need to start afresh and the old ways are getting old, everything is moving around me and I haven't moved with it and I need to get on it. I should start with baby steps and stop looking, it will find me if I stop looking? The only thing is I stopped looking 4 months ago and what's taking so long?
its crazy how it becomes so familiar and to realise that it doesn't belong there anymore
I think this is why I hate relationships because you build them up with time and then you spend the time to take them down and clean up, then by surprise it's the smallest places that I forget that He's still there, a small conscience of me still holding on to what we had. Then the true reality is that this is bollocks it wasn't that great
It shouldn't but it does, but not excessively I think.
It annoys me that their not as great as you think they are when you get up close, they are depressive, angry, full of angst kind of mob.
They bring and think the worst out of people.
About to get off the tube as the train was reaching the platform, this oldish man standing in front of me was preparing himself to grab the free newspaper on the seat, indecisive about whether or not he could grab the newspaper in time before the doors fling open.
I grabbed the newspaper.
He huffed in disgust at what I did like a mini explosion and you could tell he was in a fury annoyed kind of state.
Fucking hell mate.
I was passing you the newspaper, not to take for myself. When he realized, his fucking ego shrank and showed a realization of a grateful nod.
Yeh, you dick head.
Victory or not people like this getting on their high horse is ridiculous.
This month is very much walking on a tight rope because the insane deadlines we are coming to.
Cannot wait to get over this hurdle and onto the next.
My health has plummeted which grates on me, I hate not being to my fullest of self.
Really anticipating London Fashion Week now, although the time in between is a bloody nightmare, trying to prepare the garments and organizing and still making decisions when really we should be tweaking things. Not good. There are going to be major late nights and a hot headed designer to please.
Do people not offer seats to pregnant women no more.
The idea of brushing your teeth properly Mr high flying business suit man. Honestly morning breath means you have plaque.
Woman nonchalantly eating sushi on the tube with chopsticks, bit of pickled ginger here, soya sauce there maybe mix the wasabi with the soya sauce. Seriously are you not aware of how filthy the London air is on the underground? Why our nostrils are filled with black dust and crap? Brave lady.
Lady applying full make-up, scratch to finish for the entire hour and a half duration of the train journey. Before hand she was applying nail varnish. Man already sat next to her irate and signaling hatred for the women across to me. She was a Polish lady. Just saying.
+ Lady on the tube applying make-up. Eye brow pencil and Lip liner. Its hot humid weather, the line she has colored in, blur and merge into her prune face and business frown wrinkles. Look out for that ginger colored caterpillar eyebrowed lady. Perks up a miserable tube ride.
People of a dumbass and a retarded nature.
Smelly Indian man who insists on intoxicating you and neighbouring people with his stench of BO in the morning. Where have you been for fucks sake, its the beginning of the day how is that possible?
Who eats pickled onion crisps in the morning. God think of the acid erosion damage it is doing to your teeth in the morning. Then to have that sour tinge cling to me throughout the day.
I applied for something* And they got back to me!! Fingers crossed I have the good news to share in good time.
On the up side I seem to be having a good time, things are more accessible, the skies blue and I feel at home.
The down times, I don't feel like me. Being here and with no string ties I feel abit lonely. The weekends are normally a blast and I'm always occupied.
A song came on the radio and I said no way this song is my friends favorite song, so estactic to hear it. Then it dawned on me, everyone I know are not here. I'm trying to cope with making new friends. Its really not easy compared to 5 years ago, such a given. I'm all grown up now and to get to know awkward adults and the middle age is tough.
However the friends and faces I have got to know, are amazing I think I'm just abit taken aback to have to 'start all over again' in some way.
Being around the posh (well I think it's posh) area of London, Kensington, Harrods and all that jazz. The kind of faces and the presence of people, the public are quite snobbish, upper-class, well dressed and probably stinking rich.
Note. One time I was running an errand, not sure what area it was but it was very posh. White tall houses, upmarket shops and the immaculate hub of people. So yeh, I went into one of them skin treatment shops looking for products. Its the wierdest thing seeing two tall arab ladies, downed in black garments and looking like something out of the film 5th Element. I noticed this sheepish looking man enter the shop aswell and thought oh okay, he's probably looking for a present for his wife or something.
Weird, it turns out that its the two tall arab ladies bodyguard. How surreal. In that moment I felt so endangered and un nerved.
So anyway, the point was I have noticed that the 'stylish' women seem to be observing what I wear. Interesting. I can see there eager eyes fixed on certain item that I'm wearing until we cross out of vision. Interesting.
** sigh just got a call from intern (on my day off, note) to go and pick up garments from PR company. Interesting, I get to see more places!
Sunday Funday good day and all round a good Sunny day. Things are looking up, i had a productive day today, no aggravations just a really mellow day.
Back to interning tomorrow, will see what ventures I get up to tomorrow. Last week was pretty up and down, I was the fashion runner picking up garments from really posh areas in London. Its amazing what streets I've discovered and familiarizing myself with London I can find. On the down side at the momento I don't seem to have many jobs to do and it's starting to get abit boring.
Anticipating the manic rush that will come in the final weeks.
I'm listening to Fleet Foxes, winding down for bed.
I won't read a book to sleep.
No, not after last time, i got so submerged into the book and the adventures it unravelled and of course i was falling into the sleepy mode and the story effected my dream process. Did not like that because everything feels all very deja vu. (hate using that word, but at this very hour I can't think of a word best to describe so it will to do)
I feel as though my life has come to a stand still. I've become familiar with things all too very well, this bugs me. I need a challenge, I'm bored of myself. The Changes that have my way were exciting but now I've become comfortable. My heart doesn't race faster anymore and I miss this.
I need to figure out what my next step is. Pick up the pace a little, things are set in stone from mid-September, plenty of occupation. But the time now, where?
Also I'm procrastinating about getting my hair cut. Leave long and get a whole new hair style and convenience is good for time constraints. New hair cut, tackle it and get use to it. Change is good?
neither here nor there.
Another thing that is bugging me about me.
Relationships. I haven't exclusively ended a couple of relationships over the years, it was never serious and we remained friends. Its like they all synchronize in and out of my life. I never attached myself because of past serious relationships. Because if it's not the real deal why put myself through that dreadful time, when time turns bad.
In the last couple of years have been brilliant, the people I've met and how they made me feel. I don't know where this is leading but I'm pretty tired, think i'll call it a night.
Dried and roasted, tastes like pistachio nuts! and good for you. With the weather now hot hot hot I've been obsessing about the diet because I feel like I'm getting too heavy to carry myself, for my type of frame anyway bit of a struggle really.
Another thing, in the daily London metro paper, i noticed in the food reviews about polenta wedges, fried. Must try them sometime.
I was having a conversation with someone and they mentioned their friend is on the Atkins diet. I was abit taken aback because really I thought dieting had fazed out and eating healthy had become the norm now. But thinking about this, I am very self conscious about things that are bad for you.
When I was little it was drummed in by my mum about healthy eating so I'm pretty glad that its no different to how i think now and don't protest it. When I was younger me and brother would fight over the broccoli and veg; me and brother would beg to eat microwaveable food because it was 'cool' from what we heard in primary school. Probably the only break through of bad eating we had were these dinosaur-shaped turkey drummers, but this was only acceptable because they were from M&S.
So anyway, now I can feel that I'm battling this mini bulge constantly, so many tasty treats and family dinners are so hard to turn down.
I saw a bastard man shouting at his wife publicly on the platform
I minded my own business after feeling pretty good about myself because I bought 2 packs of these specific biscuits my dad liked to eat.
He was humiliating her almost like vengeance and the women stood 2 feet in front of him with her back to him, standing her ground. The man created this tension for all the other people on the platform to see and feel. Idiot. The women was so repulsed by him, from whatever snipes he verbally threw at her and she was so worked up with angst she didn't give him the satisfaction of showing her face to him.
The lady took the suitcase to her side and the man snatched back the handle, yanking back the suitcase taunting her, such a yob.
They got on the tube and he chose to get onto the other end of the carriage and peer at her and taunt her. I feel for the lady, she stood her ground and held her angst and feelings together
I'm kicking myself because I keep thinking about these several items that I should've really bought when I went shopping.
Oversized tangerine orange canvas material with small black dots all over it
at a sample sale, these amazing waistcoats that were dapper and english eccentric with the silk back and choices of single down buttons or double breasted buttons and only cost a couple of bobs. Glorious
simple perfect gold 50's grip clip with a little small chain dangling across with distinctive retro black detail that would've held my tippet scarf in place
and then this simple glass trapment of a fresh daisy drop earrings, nothing too fussy kind of detail as usually fussy things don't work on me
i shouldn't really procrastinate about this because i turned my back to them, it was my decision. Although i really would like those items in my life so much, that I think just wait till I am next out shopping
When I'm running up a huge flight of steps, I always climb them really really fast.
Like super fast.
I get the feeling someone is going to pull on my legs or is chasing me? so thats me on the Underground. As fast as I can, not minding people, but my own silly phobias of long flights of stairs.
Also have you ever looked back while you've been standing for ages on a really long escalators and looked down, and felt like that deep black hole at the bottom will suck you up if you lose your balance?
Just had a nice cold glass of milk after a shower, mmm refreshing. Its going to get hotter soon which I am dreading, not a fan of the sun. I like being pale.
Is it weird that whenever you listen to any Smiths song you can sing along and know the words without realising? or like in Never Mind the Buzzcocks, in the intro's round when the intro kicks in, you already sing the first verses of the song
I have a lot on my plate, as I'm interning for experience and knowledge, I don't get paid for this and think it would be good to get a job to fund the travel expenses and to have the money to spend.
Although I have interning, learning to drive and completing a sketchbook for a deadline. I'm just wondering whether I have time to fit a job in my schedule. I prefer to spend the money that I've worked for as its more satisfying knowing that I worked hard for it.
Interning takes up a whole day and I'm pretty much drained by the time I get home, although when I worked in a bar. It was the life and soul of me, interacting with people and being on my feet and the atmosphere is just incredible. I miss it alot.
As a bartendee I can be naturally happy and serving flamboyant punters, making cocktails and having a laugh with the bar staffs was one of my many happy times.
Interning, is not fun. I am dreading tomorrow because it is dreary and the other interns are becoming fed-up with studio assistants. I have made good good friends over there, but it is true. The work ethic is not good, which has made me realise why positions at the studio are not sought after and interns come and go.
I heard Massive Attack are djing for London Fashion Week
This is a massive incentive for me to stay, just not quite sure if I'll last.
And the dvd i want to get back from my friend is "The Science of Sleep" it would be easier for me to buy it again from the shop but I think I've grown attached the dvd that I watched it from. I think it was the story of the film that's made me think pathetically about this, but it was a mesmerising film and it would be great to see my friend again.
Its an amazing food. What is it? mash? pasta? cous cous?
Polenta is on the same wave length as to when I discovered Gnocchi for the first time! It's brilliant. With my japanese friend we went for Italian, I always decide to eat something from the menu that I haven't heard of, what's the point of eating something you are overly familiar with the taste and to be honest, you don't really get much joy out of it.
So i ordered this grilled Polenta and mushroom funghi sauce. I cannot remember the exact name of the dish, because the native french waitress put me to shame if I was to pronounce the word wrong she would probably spit in my food. So I simply just pointed to the meal, which was probably the politest way I think.
So nice, it was this not so over-powering cheese texture in the polenta, not soggy just the right consistency, so enjoyable with the garlic-y, white wine mushroom sauce.
This eatery was discovered somewhere near Aldgate Station and Brick Lane?
I think because I am still finding my feet around London, I don't tend to see signs and names. I just remember the scenery to get by, which i think is the best way because I lose my bearings so easily
I am now interning for an up and coming fashion designer
I'm re-assessing what I want to do in my life so hopefully this will be a good insight in my career, right?
it's quite nice to talk, see my thoughts and read it.
I'm getting use to the London Underground, pretty proud of myself.
I have a book to read for the tube aswell. Very fitting!
Haruki Murakami "Dance Dance Dance"
my second Murakami book that I'm delving into, my heart skipped a beat when I was shopping with my new-ish japanese friend (who has gone back to Japan now) on the underground and saw a girl rush past carrying his book in her under her arms. Pretty awesome feeling.
Awesome. I learnt the japanese word for that which i have forgotten? darn it
So anyway I read somewhere that Murakami's "Norweigen Wood" will be made into production as a movie. I'm so estatic about that and cannot wait to see it when it comes out.