Thursday, 24 December 2009

go to bed


closer // kOL

night all

Monday, 21 December 2009

talking shite all through the night

The world was a mess but his hair was perfect // The Rakes

this song reminds me of the F pal

indie jig and shake

best thing to happen is to make his calm cool exterior nervous

noticing other girls admire him but all he wanted was me

-do you know how much i have spent on you
-i have never done this for a girl before
-you don't like it when i smoke do you
-you just don't care
-hello little one
-where are you can I come see you
-your so cold, never care


cold air

can it start getting warmer

its extremely frosty and chilly regardless of the double duvet

its a grueling task warming up

this is the extreme measures of my lazyness



i think i miss your face

can't have

i want the one i can't have

well almost

nearly had a fatal heart attack when le itunes refused to play a bit of smiths to cure my fix

i want something i can't have

something i won't admit to

i don't think i can voice it out because i'm scared of rejection

having the 'door slammed shut in my face'

feeling not wanted is my greatest fear

and if they knew how i really felt

i'll never go for it so i will never know the unknown

i guess i don't like being in a position where i am vulnerable

or admitting defeat

stubborn cunt

my life

a bit worrying

my laptop -my life

is wiring a lot and before my itunes wouldn't work

everything is taking ages to load up what the fuck have i done

i thought macs were indestructible

so appalling

another thing that is appalling is my spelling

thank god for spell check

normally i am up to scratch don't get me wrong

and just like that

im 23!

Saturday, 19 December 2009

highest low

what do i need and want that's left in my sad pathetic life that i don't have

a ukulele

at this point it is the only thing applicable to me

a high new low for me

drab mood

drab life

-for the moment that is

ocean breathes salty

i'm listening to modest mouse and i miss you

my favourite words said to me

times ii

a time a swedish boy saw me naked

who are you?

who are you??

what do you mean who am I, I live here this is my house


awfully sorry

is it okay if i sleep outside your room

(arranges himself at the bottom of my bed, not exactly outside the bedroom eh hot swedish boy)

a few weeks later my manager sleeps with him

if i disclosed the 6 degrees of separation and how many other stories revolve around this boy I have myself a Cannes film in need of production

or maybees a project to remember



not kidding

i think my eye may pop out

its in so much pain

dastard eye

don't need this, I need you

got things to do

Get up

CSS // move (cut copy RMX)

ok listings & thoughts

i need more excitement to my dire

dull grey life

this exact picture i am painting

I want more colour

more Love

need to make the things happen to keep me occupied

I sound like a broken record

when did this happen

i want improvements

quick & fast

I'm impatient

-i received a tall box that came in the post today and inside were a bouquet of flowers, pink ones, white ones, indigo ones, ones that haven't opened up yet and greenery ones to balance out the fuchsia

Note this has never happened to me so its a rather mementos moment finally

check list more love


i want



my eye

both eyes

one is having a rampant twitching murmur

the other is killing me when i look around

i have been excessively looking at the laptop monitor and telly watching a lot

need to stop abusing the eyes

lets tone down the brightness

Wednesday, 16 December 2009

hacked off


I make it pretty obvious whether i am into someone or not

this goes from living with my hot blond housemates for 3 years, make boys feel inferior and not bother and that they could pick boys up like flys to turd that, hey lifes too short and fellas suck at being smooth at the game (doesn't apply to the north, they know what to do)

on my recent night out, you get the hopeless scum of the crowd that think they have the chance

apparently I give off the most not interested, move, don't touch me look very well. so its clear

also my infamous despair look of what are you doing, what is it now yeh

i go for the type not the run of the mill looking guy, a bit aloof and hairy faced out of place guy minding his own business I am human something will take my fancy I'm not entirely repulsed by everything

i'm getting really hacked of at how dumb can guys get when I am not interested. Not stuck up or prissy, i'm dancing means i'm dancing.

No sexy dutty wind

the move i need space for my trippy epileptic rave dance

The hard arse pinching and backing off & retreating into the crowd. screw you. not cool
Haphazardly standing there hoping i will take notice. You bore. cheap raver
Immigrant grinders and hoverers. there should be shooting control at the borders of Dover

sometimes with all arms and legs flaying I should've punched a scum good & hard

no mistake


when ex-boy becomes stalker

i don't speak, text and talk to him

get the message

i don't want to speak to you

its got to that point where by texting me its not a casual affair anymore

more squirmy and demanding

fuck you fuck you fuck you

he cried when i told him i was dating someone else and as he knows I have broke it off, he is even more eager.

now he's in the area

'i'm in london'

i'm doing nothing. not going to give him any hope.

move along


i had a huge beef steak for dinner

i detest beef

i don't understand people who eat blue, rare & medium rare

ok ok for the taste qualities yeh

but honestly blood does not taste that better

its like eating with a nose bleed

i prefer if it was barbequed burnt black


i don't really care that its a fashion food faux pas

it's sick thinking of the idea of eating raw flesh

i hate meat in general

vegetarianism is a lifestyle but not something i adapt to

I don't like the thought of eating meat

you make me laugh

humour me

she took giant shit on my face literally



what's the matter with you


gym culture

feeling a bit spongey in places

eating more more healthy

need to battle the fat

dance it off

move it off

eat it off


I just rolled out of bed

my brother just called me crack head

I wanted my nose pierced since the start of 2 years ago

it was such a perfect time because i'm not around family

blissful freedom

now how do i get it done and disguise the piercing while living at home

my dad is a traditionalist, he'll flip!

military operation planning

Tuesday, 15 December 2009



not a good idea that i can't get to sleep i've stumbled on listening rave roll

Ministy of Sound album // Creamfields album



Faithless is on

definitely not going to sleep

so horny for a rave



ehm still deleting some what the fuck songs on my itunes

all the name for a faster running laptop


ORGASMIC tunes that i hold that i have forgotten about

Rikkalicious // Herve & Kissy Sellout

don't let the naff song itle throw you off

so good

no drugs could possibly make me feel this euphoric

you know when you listen to one song and it jumps you to want to be at a venue 5am getting your groove on seek a fit guy finally from the mass of dick heads that you have been elbowing all night to back off, what the fuck are grinding me for at a rave you wanker, move. Finally you think fuck this shit, hold the fit guy and finally lock lips and the best tune is beating in the background and in that moment you could fuck the pants off him. The strobe lights hitting left right centre making you trip from the immense feeling.

should've got his number
shit happens

groove ii

Do it again // chemical brothers


Monday, 14 December 2009


how much is too much

with the festivities going on

the foodage is not going sparingly

overdosed on tangerines and mince pies

4 x tangerines
3 x mince pies

thats per day

need to keep my body trim

extremely risky season to be joyous with food


well how do i explain this

I may be happy smiley for the first time in ages

the f.buddy is back soon from abroad, however he's north and I am down south

a part of me wondered would he make the effort to see me, if not it would've made me feel like a failure and the past couple of years are over, also considering i turned him down last time.

I'm surprised that the tradition is still on

lets see what happens

its good to be loved in some shape or form right?

by the way

i have just awoke from a mammoth coma nap

one of them where you have to use every muscle power in your body to prise your eyelids open

now i'm fully alert and thinking shit

how am i going to sleep tonight


why do people stand on there bed with their shoes still on

especially on the pillow

the pillow that your going to be laying your face on??

there was a time I went a date without knowing it was a date

but basically he liked me more than I realised and kept meeting me & picking me up after work

the deal breaker was his shoes anyway, (actually they were trainers, gasp) because definitely always judge a person by their shoes even girls too for their character

anyway it was like 5am and we were chilling and I was explaining to him this band

Kitty, Daisy & Lewis band would sound good in his car, he drove a dove grey Figaro

So then next thing i know, he swivelled his foot intact with shoes towards my pillow

horror horror wince

I said it
it was desperation and told him to take his shoes off first or I would gag and vomit

he removed his shoes

still proceeded to swivel his foot with socks (vom) on my pillow


i die

can you imagine how i tried to get him to leave at 7am in the morning, after he waited around to pick me up, the drive home for him is really far away too.

Of course I am human and naturally felt bad

but naturally
the feet on the pillow was too much


new songasm

Northern Spy // Roofwalkers


one trouble

I can't find the song anywhere

but the rest of Roofwalkers songs are amazing

like like like

Sunday, 13 December 2009

fuck buddy

and he returns

not so much optimism, but more like an expected tradition without fail


item No. iii


london business men finishing work to head to a rave after

is this normal thing to occur in Ldn???

plus, they rave good with their Hacienda moves & grooves

Banker by day
Raver by night


my life revolves around slimming down my thighs


i have only just recovered the last 36 hours of the events with a massive coma nap

so start 8am wakeup to begin my shop around

my purse or should i say my card got absolutely abused hard

shopped hard spent hard i cant emphasize this enough!

and then to the sample sale at the end of the day which i grimaced the thought of buying more

more pain to the credit card

but the collection was beautiful and one of them 'its a one-off, no one else will have it, i'm getting this for a bargain price, the jealousy of people wondering where can they buy it' therefore good reasons to buy it!

mine mine mine plus i don't have to lose sleep over it

after the intense shopping i met up with my friend and headed to see The Chemical Brothers dj

Raved hard

and i mean cardio-military style raving till 6am

my knees are all creaking and sore from that night, for chemical brothers its oh so worth it

i met someone, lets call him Hugo nothing serious but happy

and some twated girl tried to steal my belongings including my bag, she got very flustered when i told her to hand it back over.

not clever just retarded

the music was euphoric really need to track what they played

immense immense immense

i think i have withdrawal symptoms

Thursday, 10 December 2009


one last thing

life thinking

has gone over board in the last week(s)

lets lift it and make it a fun living alas


nightios amigos

night time mellow tunage

everywhere // fleetwood mac

also check vampire weekend's cover

i like the band and all


the cover is no different and nothing special, a bit of a farce


more space to the hard drive




floored after the all-day shopathon

it was hefty

my knees

the pelvis

and shoulders

creaking and crumbling

sheesh i havent even hit my 30s yet


its all good

all-day shopathon round II

+ sample sale

+ + meet friend in London and head to rave

finish at 7am

meet my new cardio workout

fool to you cellulite


note. fucking private number calling 3:29am can't believe i hesitated about answering it as I cant second guess who it could've been. Afterall, there are numerous texts that i forget to reply, im am an absolute shit, so possible angry friends. Still check the time.. stalker. Definitely maybee

Tuesday, 8 December 2009


food maths

its after night

2 x tangerines
1 x apple

healthy night snack that I'm hoping it will be good to me and not turn into cellulite

(not the thighs, not the thighs please)

hello wagonwheel chocolate rounded goodness

goodbye efforts of healthy night fruit snack

all day shopping tomorrow

cardio workout

i win!


i hate people who wear vivienne westwood's perfume

Label chasing smell wearer

the face doesn't suit the smell

really off putting

i wish you wouldn't ruin this

just saying

maybe stick to your dkny's

Saturday, 5 December 2009

ok go


lets make life more interesting

no excuses

the majority of my itunes is the picture to my previous social life

need to make it apply to this social life that i will create

go go go

Friday, 4 December 2009

i discovered something that changed my perspective

i am surprised that passing people that have come into my life to know they take medication for their mind threshold and complexities.

as in they are mentally retarded a word people cannot gage with the deformities and cannot control the realities in life and use chemicals to hold them in place. Its strange that, when you think about this in depth.

sometimes i wonder how does my thinking develop, although I have serious skeptic thinking series where it divulges into the anomaly where it becomes so unexplainable I feel that it runs parallel to the trippy disfunctional memories that traps me immediately and i see this in some people and connect with them on a paranormal level.

to be be honest, in black and white i think i'm fucking mental after reading this back as would you all, but when you voice this out, its crazy to read what the mind thinks.

a load of bullshit.

back to reality.

its raining really heavily outside and it's way into the late 3am zone and its blustering so hard you feel like the roof is going to be ripped right off. I like the sound how it makes you feel vulnerable but safe at the same time.

The weather is fueling my mood. Dark, miserable, grey and frowning. I'm really unhappy at the moment and just can't define why. Its just because.

I have so much work to do, I haven't started. I want to, but I just can't do it. I feel really depressed, angry and want everything else other than what I already have. To be happy. Nearly said 'fucking' happy but that makes me sound ungrateful and a bit of a prick.


morning glory // oasis


Thursday, 3 December 2009

night all

rah getting carried away with the sex space soundtrack

look at the time

Peace out




adore trice

if i was having sex

in space

in the 80s

St etienne //Spring (air france RMX)

would be playing in the background

just sayin




Rave this weekend at matter was suppose to happen

tickets sold out

whey for social life making a move

snail pace


Liking this

Bright Young Things // Albert Hammond Jr.

point: 2.29

kind of sounds like The Brunettes // Obligatory Road Song or vice versa

shit hungry night snack times want to



Got a song stuck in my head

Naff clause No. 2

I'm actually a bit embarrassed to list but its pretty groovy yeh

Owner of a lonely heart // Yes

80s funky beats

was deleting songs on my itunes to free up memory

my beloved mac has gone shit slow

but anyway first thing to go is all the songs I don't listen to anymore

It was un-nerving like shit what if I want to listen to that song again


It was brutal but now 522 songs lighter

Sing me to sleep

Sleep is the brother of Death


I salute you Morrissey

I had written a couple of posts about my fav tracks of Morrissey

writing a couple of verses


It was naff

Just naff


Saturday, 28 November 2009


just found the post i listed about Paul Kalkbrenner // Square 1

saddens me alot

the post i made about the song was in 2nd August 2009

the song was last played on 8th November 2009

Daul Kim left this place on the 19th November 2009

feelings are hard to define when a subject lies close to the heart, this song captivated me when Daul listed this on her blog and also a video clip, where she assisted DJ at Palais De Tokyo in Paris and she was playing the song Square 1 by Paul Kalkbrenner from the album Berlin Calling. She does the best funky house shuffle to the song and in general she is the best mover and groover that has ever crossed my eyes.

Yes, I am in awe of her, the fascination I had about her is unmeasurable and I am grateful that I have my own sentimental connection of music that she shared that I now closely carry.

It is only now that I've listened to this song, the distance of time to play this song again is painful to say the least, how can someone who I've never met and no acknowledgement of each other just feel so void.

actually i'm not as ready as I thought i was

Rest in peace Daul
Say Hi to James Dean for me
and when the heavy rain wakes me up in the middle night I think maybe thats you sending your blessing telling us all not to worry, it will all fall into place in the end alright.



mood is mucho better

especially playing my new fav track

Daily Routine (Phaseone RMX) // Animal Collective

It would be a good song to have sex to non?

might click off the repeat track and let My Girls (HATCHMATIK disco bootleg) roll

just noticed both songs have been played as much as each other

such a goof ha!

simplicities of life



after the immense reading on love confessions and tales

I miss the fuck buddy, reading the ill-fated attempts of pubescent youth stories.


I'm actually quite content with how my stories go, I know what I want, its this silent understanding, the nod of the head to know it was great sex.

Back when i was 18 it was pure bliss, i don't know what has become of all these tragic love stories that are intense.

A bit of fun and debauchery I'm glad to have enjoyed my latter years in comparison to these too fast so young ones.

Although one thing on my mind, when does the fuck buddy expire?

I've had the one odd clash where I rejected him

(yeh, ive decided to hold on to the good fuck)

But when's a good time and a good fuck good for, if he's not around


//..only with you
waited to see you for soooooooo long!!!!!!
and u wont even see me!

would you rather me see you out of pity eh!!!!

by hook or by crook

what the does thaat mean

//it means i dont care why......
just want you to see me'

why though

//because i always liked u
and want to spend some time with you

aww x

//its true
hey *, i gonna get some sleep
so tired
talk to you tomorrow yeah???

okays, sleep well x

//u too
wish i was with you!
so fucking much

//you just turn me on.....
and i haven't seen you for so long

your fault eh

you in your bed??


*, u rubbish!!

-shit nearly forgot to delete the names then


feeling like a manic depressant at the moment

don't know what's become of me

laptop in bed

sending despair text messages to my trusted friends

dim lights

playing sad depressant songs to surge my foul mood

honestly when are things going to pick up?

I don't depend on anyone and always realize this is always down to the individual

it just seems at the moment everything is crashing down, i read my horoscopes as a sub consciously guide and it warned me of this and its fucking harsh.

Reading old messages from old lovers

watching short love films and reading long winded love antidotes

for a start i need to change the song

actually embarrassed to list what pathetic song I'm listing to

but just changed it too a bit more up tempo, preppy ballad?

I Drove all night // Cyndi Lauper

and what is the deal with my back and thigh bones locking and cracking


saw some red polka dot socks

walked away from them

can't stop thinking about them and how i would wear them

going back on monday to see if their still there

also on the look out for yellow amber socks


There are certain unspoken rules about family and what they mean to you, loyalty and respect.

however when they have been lost & distorted

There are certain unspoken things that are said when people are set in these hideous ways

abusive, ill mannered and lack of social & life skills

there will be the time when I look back and know i did the right thing

to never keep in contact and disown

never look back

no memories worth keeping

so long & good riddance

Thursday, 26 November 2009


next week i'm going to restart my social life

look at new faces and places

breath new things

see new sceneries




oh and drink and rave are in the making aswell

must make it happen


about to nod off to sleep

'im bord'

'text me'

'why don't you ever text me back anymore'

'can't sleep'


fuck off you fucker

fuck off you fucking fuck

which is best?

phone switched off

. . . . . . .

. . . . . . .
. . . . . . .
. . . . . . .
. . . . . . .
. . . . . . .
. . . . . . .
. . . . . . .
. . . . . . .
. . . . . . .
. . . . . . .


a big peppered angus beef steak

didn't finish it

i think i'm going to have a heart murmur

feel so abused by a piece of meat


Wednesday, 25 November 2009


Daily Routine (Phaseone RMX) // Animal Collective



nom nom

+ apples x 2

Good for the body eating

my secret diet diary i have self consciously adapted to watch what I eat

Pitta + lettuce, Yoghurt
Tangerine, Oat Cakes
Pitta + lettuce + coleslaw + sweetcorn +prawns
Apple x 2, Chocolate Digestives x 2
Strawberry fruit tea
Apple, banana, blueberry yoghurt
brazilian nuts, walnuts

well actually I eat a lot listing this down

a bit fearful but surely got my 5-a-day in?


Another thing today I was too engulfed in coleslaw shopping today

not to notice the fit dreadlock guy breeze through and cut me off

while I was on coleslaw watch

why why why

the coleslaw out of all foods to be looking at

uncool & shamed


Bad mood


deadline in the mist

Another bastard in mind

this essay

go go go

UNwanted attention

Pest comes to mind

how do i tell someone to fuck off politely

but yet its beginning to irate me maybe i don't want to be polite

I fell asleep lastnight

normal thing to do right?

"why do you never text me back anymore" -ex


You what

Now he's calling me up to check up

Why do I feel like I am pinned down when I do not belong to anyone

Fuck off you fucking Fuck

Tuesday, 24 November 2009


i jump at loud noises

Le ex-boof numero 4 texted me at this absurdly hour

actually feel the pill kicking in


pitta bread yeh


I've taken a heavy duty sleeping pill

and its not working

i''ve finished a tub of humous and 2 pitta breads

A TUB at 3am in the morning

hello cellulite

Monday, 23 November 2009

my friend

i feel lost

i miss my friends so much

mucho mucho mucho

the good times

little things

'have you got any spare toothpaste, here put it into this parcetomal plastic jar..'

'what kind of toothpaste DO you use??? Its tastes like old peoples toothpaste!!!!!'

Its Aquafresh alright!!

I miss my friend

mucho mucho mucho


just had the biggest coma nap ever

it was good!

eye noise

ehm shit

when i blink i can hear a noise

i havent slept due to doing an all nighter trying to finsih work

yeh i can definatley hear a noise when i blink

god i hope i dont fuck up my eyes


has not slept

my english has gone wack and my spelling has gone fucking insane

work work work

so can not wait to rest my head down

will be mega


Sunday, 22 November 2009

Never mind the

Off the hook

i love the intro

CSS // Off the hook

there's a guitar rift bit that sounds a bit like the yeah yeah yeahs way out

the face aint making

what the mouth needs

oh Karen O i adore thee

Got AMC tattooed on my hand

Naff songs for silly times

Keep you hands off my girl // Good Charlotte

god remember this song

head swinging

So hip

Got Brass knuckle hanging from my neck in my chain

Got Brass knuckle hanging from my neck in my chain

Item No.

Things that Hack me off II

The 4th ex-Boy we remain friends

I normally don't allow this and delete and no baggage to chug around

He is very inexperienced with lady specimens, immature and lives his life of i'm in the band, hopping back and forth to America, unemployed but always manages to find his feet.

In his childish ways he became attached to me, even though he knew that he is not capable of relationships. It didn't work for us and him not having a clue what he wanted and intimidated by women he stuck around when I was in my depths of relationships with other guys.

Quite obviously, it's not my problem I kept my distance and its not fair to him to think he has a chance and asked him to move on, being friends is not a good idea.

You'd think blanking someone is fair and for their own good. Let him develop his own relationships.

He stuck around like an irritating little flea. Waiting for me break up in my relationships, guilt tripping ideals that as friends we should see each other more and hang out.

Fucking nonsense

I should never give the benefit for the Ex to remain friends, I never gave him hope that we will ever rekindle anything.

I find it vulgar and disgusting how he is constantly still trying.

Its been 3 years already.



I have bought a new winter coat

its brilliant bright red and it harks back to my childhood memories of looking like a toy soldier

The thing is, its made out of 100% wool so its got a scratchy fabric which is not good but anyway I am going to wash it to shrink it a bit as its a bit too big

I remember when my dad would dig out his festive jumpers, really disgusting warm wooly sheep insulators and would put them in the washing machine

obviously it shrunk. And how we laughed and then the seriousness took over and hit us that fuck off


We're going to have to wear them now

Karma eh

anyway thats my memories of wool


Fuck this shit

i like my sleep

in fact i cant get enough

i nap and nap


this is starting to piss me off that someone keeps waking me up

like its an order and a priority


its really starting to hack me off

sleep is so important to me that it helps me actually function the things I need to be doing other than sleeping

cutting my sleep down i am useless and most of all i enjoy it

yeh its brilliant

and all i can keep thinking now is if i can just catch a little nap because i feel my sleep was cheated attempt

Thursday, 19 November 2009





x x x

Tuesday, 17 November 2009


ordered some shoes a month ago

got them today!

i love them!

they are dove grey lace up shoes and a part where it is brown suede in the style of bowler shoes

i just need to wear them in a bit so they are comfy and falling apart.

Sunday, 15 November 2009


i remember on a friday evening about 12am last year in september

I just finished a call to my then lover where he was upset that we'd spent the whole day deciding whether or not he should drive up from London to see me, it would've been 4 hour drive but by the time it was evening it just wasn't worth the exhaustion as he would have to leave the sunday morning.

I think it's funny to think back at the how loved up we were, I really like the beginnings of relationships, they are the best, the rush of it.

Anyway one of the housemates was away at home and the other room mate comes in from work

"what are you doing? get dressed there's a house party tonight. Everyones going. Its going to be huge"

1am we make a mad dash to get dressed and then some people in a car come and pick us up

We get there and theres this massive hubbub of people outside this tall mansion house.

There were like 7 floors and a massive garden

Every single room and area there was a DJ

there so many people it was like a club

there are numerous parties I'd been to over the last couple of years but my memory have seemed to have merged them all in to one.

best times ever


i really want to shop

like insanely

i dont have time or money and i'm suppose to be saving up

I can't help thinking my previous couple of years that were freedom

blissful freedom

I worked and shopped at my own pace

Then i would bump into a friend while shopping, we go to a bar for 'coffee'

we order a bottle of Rose and light bites

We have happy times and decide to stay out and drink

I just think how lucky I am

my friends are well connected to alot of people so we got free drinks

on different occasions I would end up at a house party

dancing across a bridges

Then thinking what the fuck, why is it that everyone lives in plush apartments?

we share naughty salt

no troubles

it was the best years of my life


I seem to retreat to sleeping a lot

and try to sneak in a lot of hearty napping

i sometimes have around 3 naps a day

is that too excessive?

i am so tired

its untrue

sometimes its just an excuse for not doing my work

well i have been staring at my laptop too much i need to rest my eyes

i have a mystery headache


well the spanish swear by siestas

and clinically they give a person more energy

what the fuck

get on with your work

stop procrastinating



Guava Jam

Almond paste

i have been recommended about you

i'll find you


If i was re-incarnated


You are what you eat

I am a box of oat cakes.

I was introduced to these bad boys in the summer by my friends

the oh so watch-what-i-put-in-my-mouth kind of eating

they are vegetarians of course

if its not good for the body why would I want to let my body consume this

its zuki and kidney beans

ah okay. I thought my brown bread sandwich did its justice but non


i have adapted this regime of healthy eating

of course i've relapsed

6 kit kat bars hard

bad times

oat cakes balance it out right?

Saturday, 14 November 2009


Intervention // Arcade Fire

Ian Curtis

How much does New Order differ to Joy Division?

it makes me wonder what the sound of 'Joy Division' would've sounded like

if New Order took on the sound of Joy Division forward

I suppose people move on

Temptation // New Order


Live transmission

Joy division // Transmission

Brazil nuts



healthy snacks or maybe snack fad of mine

I want to go to America and see what those dusky pictures are about for real

escape somewhere with no sense of time

i want to have freedom and experience the unknown

its all out there waiting to be discovered

and I am coming of age

i turn 23 in a months time

I feel so young that i havent experienced as much as i should have


its perfect time to explore before it gets too late


action plan

always get the work all done

so I have more time for play

seeing as I have not had any time for play

play makes me a happier person

so says my horoscopes

I believe they are very true indeed

It dictates that my social life is very important and that it is the making of me

its true

i have bored myself to death and lost goals

and ambitions

and a ridiculous amount of work to do now

so snowed under i want to hibernate under my duvet


interesting ex-Boy no.4 seems to be attempting to rekindle our past relationship

but its not of my interest and this Boy is the one i regret i have

after he asked me 'no regrets?'

much better off as friends


i've had pasta

i feel so sluggish

just thinking about career prospects

after working in a cocktail bar all last year

it was basically a Friday night every single day for a year

oh how it was fun

now I can't get back into work

too much relaxing

and now i have no time to relax and have to fight for spare time to relax

when did life get so dry?



so much to do so little time

when will i ever learn from my mistakes

never do things last minute

its not fun

Saturday, 7 November 2009

"He looks cool I want to fuck him"

This girl who got too big for her boots

Try-to-hard Indie cindy.

"omg, I just caught H my roommate and Tom on the Living room floor having sex. I'm so shocked I thought he liked me and to think I actually liked him"

Its okay, Tom has chlamydia, don't touch him. he's done you a favor.

"OMG just walked into the kitchen again and caught them having sex again, I can't believe it, H is such a slut. I cannot believe her. Can't believe she would do this"

What time is it, 6am? Why are you even up? Well you knew Tom sleeps around, he's a proud manwhore what did you expect

"this is disgusting I can hear them at it"

Two years ago this girl began to lust for the cool, to be seen as cool, to be "lets stand over there, those guys look cool and he looks hot" things like that I would blink my eyes wide open and pretend the drunk hearing has taken over and stay put.

This has been really grating on me because she wants to try and get back into my life after I cut her out. From the offset of meeting her, she was already vying for centre of attention and self indulgent brat.

flat party "..I've got something to tell you, I've been sleeping with Alex from next door, I didn't know how to tell you because my boyfriend Will, he'll never speak to me again. Its only because Will doesn't excite me anymore. But it's really difficult because Alex has a really long term girlfriend and still likes her"

She didn't know how to tell me she is a whore. Amusing.

And her repercussions fell onto me as well as I knew Alex's then girlfriend, which then to her thinking bad of me because I was associated as the whores room mate. The whole social circle dynamics fucked.

Alex gets a new girlfriend

"I've caught chlamydia off Charlotte, Alex's new girlfriend. The tramp"

"I don't know how I'm going to tell Will about Alex and the other boy in the band I slept with, it'ul just kill him. No, I'll only tell Will about Alex and pretend nothing happened with the other guy"

Laughable. will you just give up, you've lost your own boyfriend now, the boy you was sneaking around with won't commit himself to you

" I'm going to shower. i'm going to sleep with Alex tonight, he really likes charlotte, Yeh. I'm going to sleep with him tonight."

"Just seen Tom, he looks really fit. He's coming back with me tonight"

"Tom the tramp has given me clamydia"

No morals. No shame. I have no time for her.

Wednesday, 4 November 2009

old is getting older

i need to get a fucking grip

Its always what if


it could happen

i need to draw the line, stop waiting around for something to happen
because I'm getting nowhere and this is effecting everything i do.

So there's this fuck buddy that comes in and out of my life.
its been 3 and half years and I rejected him the most recent time even though i wanted it bad, is it that bad to say? But I was in one of them non-serious relationships at the time and did the right blah blah blah and turned him away, when i thought why the fuck did i do that? I was in a miserable relationship where the sex was dire and the thought of him sent me to despair. What can i say, i needed the fuck buddy and the gods answered my prayer and for some fucked up reason that coincidences happen, he was in town and he was calling to come round. I turned him down. I just can't do the nasty and what all the angry songs we hear on the radio sing about.

Gutted. Yes. Right. Yes. Feels good. No

Now I am frustrated, I have moved to a different area, where the talent to be frank is ugly. There is nothing remotely here that interests me in anyway. Im stuck in this mind where I need to start afresh and the old ways are getting old, everything is moving around me and I haven't moved with it and I need to get on it. I should start with baby steps and stop looking, it will find me if I stop looking? The only thing is I stopped looking 4 months ago and what's taking so long?

Saturday, 31 October 2009



3 years ago I came across this band

The Good Fear

they have this amazing song

The Way You Were


Its finally released on itunes


All mine

Oct 09

Did i

Little lion man

mumford & sons

i wonder what i'll be listening to next year

circa 2007

'i heard you singing to daft punk last night'

human after all//Musique Vol.1 1993-2005

daft punk days


Fuck fuck fuck

Fuck fuck fuck

Fuck fuck fuck

Fuck fuck fuck

thats right i am putting off what i should be doing

it is 5am and its about to get suckier

do it

pen to paper


fine liner


just do it

Friday, 30 October 2009


Ottos Journey


Muscle Cars

Valley Of The Dolls



Oh yeh

A fat lady stuck her two fingers at me today

I'll let her have this one

because she was fat


I deleted the recent ex's playlist from my itunes

there was quite a collection

its crazy how it becomes so familiar and to realise that it doesn't belong there anymore

I think this is why I hate relationships because you build them up with time and then you spend the time to take them down and clean up, then by surprise it's the smallest places that I forget that He's still there, a small conscience of me still holding on to what we had. Then the true reality is that this is bollocks it wasn't that great

shit happens

love ii

and my Mylo CD is not scratched!

after a risky-not-looked after Mylo CD I've had for 3 years, present of an ex

I haven't touched the CD

just too many unnecessary memories I'd rather not spare

but for the songs i missed

brilliant, I have my music back

and new memories to attach


Fuck my life

I have just cleaned my files on my mac and I cannot believe what a difference it has made!

I thought it was the internet speed that was slowing my computer down and thinking that this laptop is getting old and overly jealous of new flashier models being released

I love my laptop all over again and will start to look after it more

after, ehm.. i have dropped it on the floor 3 times, which I am not too happy about that at all

oh its good to have my new old laptop back again

Friday, 23 October 2009

Paris is mine

January 2010

3 months sleep away.

Either nor neither

30 things to do before you die

things to do before your 30?

they are both the same race no?

beneficial consequence?

neither nor either



love you better

i will

bright stuff


I love stretching

its the my favorite past time activity

Its semi orgasmic no?

The unawareness of deranged-ness


I need a haircut.

I may dye it which will be the new haircut.


Friday, 9 October 2009


Have you ever tried burping but interrupted by sneezing???



Much needed Smiths

On a loop


I own a band T-shirt printed on american apparel

I parted my money for the band Tee

Deflated it is printed on american apparel

I have died.


if i could've had it my way I would have never come home.

I hate the choices i have made, why am i here? its the hugest mistake I have ever made

I am literally trapped, and all i keep thinking of is how my life was so much better when i was independent

It pisses me off when i am constantly underestimated when i am far more capable of doing things.

I hate tradition.

When I leave I will cut ties and be gone.

Saturday, 3 October 2009

I hate people

I hate people, small, tall, round, black, white, green, yellow, blue.

Most of all

the retarded

the dumbfounded

the recluse

and repulsively stupid.

They baffle me and beyond.

Sometimes I have to respond to Are you actually shitting me.

Unbelievable extremes.

Wednesday, 30 September 2009


I have never bought anything from american apparel.

Saturday, 19 September 2009

London is yours

Fashion Show over and done in a flash.

Model dressing was fun to.

They are amazing creatures when you see them up close, tall, gangly, poised and perfect.

In the last 2 days I have only had 30mins sleep

so exhausted but the adrenaline was worth it.

Saturday, 12 September 2009


man entered the studio yesterday with a big silver case box.

We were all guessing his occupation, make-up artist? stylist?

I guessed he was the DJ man.

The music man was sampling some songs to go for the catwalk.

Note. He played Wave Machines I Go I Go I Go.

"Zis tune iz kinda funky ja? Really funky huh?"

en français homme

I like the song I saw this band play in a pub in Salford 07/08 methinks,

but how much does this song remind me of the 8Os band The Belle Stars Iko Iko

Nevertheless the music is not fitting to the collection.

Note ii. He played the Mystery Jets as a suggestion for the catwalk music..


hej hur mår du?

Swedish language learning in process

puss puss!

Thursday, 10 September 2009

tiger prawn lily

the weather ist very gut today.

i likey.

Came home before and and there was a cat strolling around in my living room.

We don't own a cat.

this stow away cat keeps lurking outside our house and inevitably today the cat made a break through and made it into the house without anyone realizing.

Anyway the cat looked like a big walking king prawn, stripy and grey.

Self voluntarily cat-napped?


Tuesday, 8 September 2009

comme est ta?


what do you mean you die?

happy die die??


muey bien

Spanish learning in progress!

Saturday, 5 September 2009


I'm so drained and exhausted and tired

really should get my head down

sleep time

peace out.

-not before a bit of light german reading and drift off.


Ben & Jerrys fish food in the freezer.


Also new to do list:

learn new languages

re-learn german

I'm really out of my depth in this list, but do able.

maybe possibly.


'who do I work for, no its ok I'm friends with Kate Moss'

'I know Kate Moss'

'I'm friends with Kate Moss'

'I photographed Kate Moss'

Yuh. Oah-kay. I don't doubt you, but do you?

Thursday, 3 September 2009


London people bother me.

It shouldn't but it does, but not excessively I think.

It annoys me that their not as great as you think they are when you get up close, they are depressive, angry, full of angst kind of mob.

They bring and think the worst out of people.

About to get off the tube as the train was reaching the platform, this oldish man standing in front of me was preparing himself to grab the free newspaper on the seat, indecisive about whether or not he could grab the newspaper in time before the doors fling open.

I grabbed the newspaper.

He huffed in disgust at what I did like a mini explosion and you could tell he was in a fury annoyed kind of state.

Fucking hell mate.

I was passing you the newspaper, not to take for myself. When he realized, his fucking ego shrank and showed a realization of a grateful nod.

Yeh, you dick head.

Victory or not people like this getting on their high horse is ridiculous.

Fuck wit

I like that word.

So much work and so little time

work work work

and then elsewhere its

work work work.

I really want a stiff drink. Gin or something pleasing to the palette, sailor jerrys? or a line.

life would be all the better and too easy right.

Okay The Smiths shall occupy me.

Did I or Did I not?

The moment when i realised I had finished the last of the Ben & Jerrys when rejoicing for a dessert to indulge in after tea is fucking rubbish.

Settle for a healthy apple, good for the body thinking.

Also watched Devil Wears Prada lastnight.

Abit taken aback at how charming the Nate character is.
Could do with someone like that to hear me whinge. Ha! yeah he'll be the luckiest guy!

No, this blog can take my wrath.

Rubbish chaos

This month is very much walking on a tight rope because the insane deadlines we are coming to.

Cannot wait to get over this hurdle and onto the next.

My health has plummeted which grates on me, I hate not being to my fullest of self.

Really anticipating London Fashion Week now, although the time in between is a bloody nightmare, trying to prepare the garments and organizing and still making decisions when really we should be tweaking things. Not good. There are going to be major late nights and a hot headed designer to please.


Do people not offer seats to pregnant women no more.

The idea of brushing your teeth properly Mr high flying business suit man. Honestly morning breath means you have plaque.

Woman nonchalantly eating sushi on the tube with chopsticks, bit of pickled ginger here, soya sauce there maybe mix the wasabi with the soya sauce. Seriously are you not aware of how filthy the London air is on the underground? Why our nostrils are filled with black dust and crap? Brave lady.

Lady applying full make-up, scratch to finish for the entire hour and a half duration of the train journey. Before hand she was applying nail varnish. Man already sat next to her irate and signaling hatred for the women across to me. She was a Polish lady. Just saying.

+ Lady on the tube applying make-up. Eye brow pencil and Lip liner. Its hot humid weather, the line she has colored in, blur and merge into her prune face and business frown wrinkles. Look out for that ginger colored caterpillar eyebrowed lady. Perks up a miserable tube ride.

People of a dumbass and a retarded nature.

Smelly Indian man who insists on intoxicating you and neighbouring people with his stench of BO in the morning. Where have you been for fucks sake, its the beginning of the day how is that possible?

Who eats pickled onion crisps in the morning. God think of the acid erosion damage it is doing to your teeth in the morning. Then to have that sour tinge cling to me throughout the day.


mere observations throughout the weeks.

Just saying.


That fucking bitch.

Haven't updated in a while but at the moment I'm enraged at the people of London. Not all of them but the majority of them.

PR girls.

You are shit at your job.

There are reasons why mistakes and cow were invented because of you.

The reason why the fashion world does not run smoothly because of you.

Tuesday, 18 August 2009

Go lucky

I applied for something* And they got back to me!! Fingers crossed I have the good news to share in good time.

On the up side I seem to be having a good time, things are more accessible, the skies blue and I feel at home.

The down times, I don't feel like me. Being here and with no string ties I feel abit lonely. The weekends are normally a blast and I'm always occupied.

A song came on the radio and I said no way this song is my friends favorite song, so estactic to hear it. Then it dawned on me, everyone I know are not here. I'm trying to cope with making new friends. Its really not easy compared to 5 years ago, such a given. I'm all grown up now and to get to know awkward adults and the middle age is tough.

However the friends and faces I have got to know, are amazing I think I'm just abit taken aback to have to 'start all over again' in some way.


Being around the posh (well I think it's posh) area of London, Kensington, Harrods and all that jazz. The kind of faces and the presence of people, the public are quite snobbish, upper-class, well dressed and probably stinking rich.

Note. One time I was running an errand, not sure what area it was but it was very posh. White tall houses, upmarket shops and the immaculate hub of people. So yeh, I went into one of them skin treatment shops looking for products. Its the wierdest thing seeing two tall arab ladies, downed in black garments and looking like something out of the film 5th Element. I noticed this sheepish looking man enter the shop aswell and thought oh okay, he's probably looking for a present for his wife or something.

Weird, it turns out that its the two tall arab ladies bodyguard. How surreal. In that moment I felt so endangered and un nerved.

So anyway, the point was I have noticed that the 'stylish' women seem to be observing what I wear. Interesting. I can see there eager eyes fixed on certain item that I'm wearing until we cross out of vision. Interesting.

** sigh just got a call from intern (on my day off, note) to go and pick up garments from PR company. Interesting, I get to see more places!

Sunday, 9 August 2009

5 second rule

Sunday Funday good day and all round a good Sunny day. Things are looking up, i had a productive day today, no aggravations just a really mellow day.

Back to interning tomorrow, will see what ventures I get up to tomorrow. Last week was pretty up and down, I was the fashion runner picking up garments from really posh areas in London. Its amazing what streets I've discovered and familiarizing myself with London I can find. On the down side at the momento I don't seem to have many jobs to do and it's starting to get abit boring.

Anticipating the manic rush that will come in the final weeks.

Thursday, 6 August 2009


I'm listening to Fleet Foxes, winding down for bed.

I won't read a book to sleep.

No, not after last time, i got so submerged into the book and the adventures it unravelled and of course i was falling into the sleepy mode and the story effected my dream process. Did not like that because everything feels all very deja vu. (hate using that word, but at this very hour I can't think of a word best to describe so it will to do)

I feel as though my life has come to a stand still. I've become familiar with things all too very well, this bugs me. I need a challenge, I'm bored of myself. The Changes that have my way were exciting but now I've become comfortable. My heart doesn't race faster anymore and I miss this.

I need to figure out what my next step is. Pick up the pace a little, things are set in stone from mid-September, plenty of occupation. But the time now, where?

Also I'm procrastinating about getting my hair cut. Leave long and get a whole new hair style and convenience is good for time constraints. New hair cut, tackle it and get use to it. Change is good?

neither here nor there.

Another thing that is bugging me about me.

Relationships. I haven't exclusively ended a couple of relationships over the years, it was never serious and we remained friends. Its like they all synchronize in and out of my life. I never attached myself because of past serious relationships. Because if it's not the real deal why put myself through that dreadful time, when time turns bad.

In the last couple of years have been brilliant, the people I've met and how they made me feel. I don't know where this is leading but I'm pretty tired, think i'll call it a night.

'my friends on the atkins diet'

I have just discovered a new super food eatage!

Soya beans!

Dried and roasted, tastes like pistachio nuts! and good for you. With the weather now hot hot hot I've been obsessing about the diet because I feel like I'm getting too heavy to carry myself, for my type of frame anyway bit of a struggle really.

Another thing, in the daily London metro paper, i noticed in the food reviews about polenta wedges, fried. Must try them sometime.

I was having a conversation with someone and they mentioned their friend is on the Atkins diet. I was abit taken aback because really I thought dieting had fazed out and eating healthy had become the norm now. But thinking about this, I am very self conscious about things that are bad for you.

When I was little it was drummed in by my mum about healthy eating so I'm pretty glad that its no different to how i think now and don't protest it. When I was younger me and brother would fight over the broccoli and veg; me and brother would beg to eat microwaveable food because it was 'cool' from what we heard in primary school. Probably the only break through of bad eating we had were these dinosaur-shaped turkey drummers, but this was only acceptable because they were from M&S.

So anyway, now I can feel that I'm battling this mini bulge constantly, so many tasty treats and family dinners are so hard to turn down.

All in moderation maybe.

Monday, 3 August 2009


I saw a bastard man shouting at his wife publicly on the platform

I minded my own business after feeling pretty good about myself because I bought 2 packs of these specific biscuits my dad liked to eat.

He was humiliating her almost like vengeance and the women stood 2 feet in front of him with her back to him, standing her ground. The man created this tension for all the other people on the platform to see and feel. Idiot. The women was so repulsed by him, from whatever snipes he verbally threw at her and she was so worked up with angst she didn't give him the satisfaction of showing her face to him.

The lady took the suitcase to her side and the man snatched back the handle, yanking back the suitcase taunting her, such a yob.

They got on the tube and he chose to get onto the other end of the carriage and peer at her and taunt her. I feel for the lady, she stood her ground and held her angst and feelings together

What a vile vile man. Repulsive and vile.

I hope i never meet a man like that

Lost sleep

I'm kicking myself because I keep thinking about these several items that I should've really bought when I went shopping.

Oversized tangerine orange canvas material with small black dots all over it

at a sample sale, these amazing waistcoats that were dapper and english eccentric with the silk back and choices of single down buttons or double breasted buttons and only cost a couple of bobs. Glorious

simple perfect gold 50's grip clip with a little small chain dangling across with distinctive retro black detail that would've held my tippet scarf in place

and then this simple glass trapment of a fresh daisy drop earrings, nothing too fussy kind of detail as usually fussy things don't work on me

i shouldn't really procrastinate about this because i turned my back to them, it was my decision. Although i really would like those items in my life so much, that I think just wait till I am next out shopping

it will be all straighten out in the end

Dad's downstairs swatting a fly

When I'm running up a huge flight of steps, I always climb them really really fast.

Like super fast.

I get the feeling someone is going to pull on my legs or is chasing me? so thats me on the Underground. As fast as I can, not minding people, but my own silly phobias of long flights of stairs.

Also have you ever looked back while you've been standing for ages on a really long escalators and looked down, and felt like that deep black hole at the bottom will suck you up if you lose your balance?


Just had a nice cold glass of milk after a shower, mmm refreshing. Its going to get hotter soon which I am dreading, not a fan of the sun. I like being pale.

Is it weird that whenever you listen to any Smiths song you can sing along and know the words without realising? or like in Never Mind the Buzzcocks, in the intro's round when the intro kicks in, you already sing the first verses of the song

eyes all glazed over like glace cherries ^^

Sunday, 2 August 2009


I really want to find a job

A bar job preferably

I have a lot on my plate, as I'm interning for experience and knowledge, I don't get paid for this and think it would be good to get a job to fund the travel expenses and to have the money to spend.

Although I have interning, learning to drive and completing a sketchbook for a deadline. I'm just wondering whether I have time to fit a job in my schedule. I prefer to spend the money that I've worked for as its more satisfying knowing that I worked hard for it.

Interning takes up a whole day and I'm pretty much drained by the time I get home, although when I worked in a bar. It was the life and soul of me, interacting with people and being on my feet and the atmosphere is just incredible. I miss it alot.

As a bartendee I can be naturally happy and serving flamboyant punters, making cocktails and having a laugh with the bar staffs was one of my many happy times.

Interning, is not fun. I am dreading tomorrow because it is dreary and the other interns are becoming fed-up with studio assistants. I have made good good friends over there, but it is true. The work ethic is not good, which has made me realise why positions at the studio are not sought after and interns come and go.

I heard Massive Attack are djing for London Fashion Week

This is a massive incentive for me to stay, just not quite sure if I'll last.

Korean punks

A film i saw called Mystery Train

Quite a random film

Other films I really want to, so eager to see:

The September Issue
500 Days of Summer

Just a little reminder to self.

And the dvd i want to get back from my friend is "The Science of Sleep" it would be easier for me to buy it again from the shop but I think I've grown attached the dvd that I watched it from. I think it was the story of the film that's made me think pathetically about this, but it was a mesmerising film and it would be great to see my friend again.

my mum

I bought some pretty crafty items from shopping.

I adore shopping

The best form of exercise I believe fits me fine, I have an obsession with shoes and one point my mum made when i wanted to re-heal one of my treasured shoes.

You might as well buy a new pair of shoes for the price that your paying to re-heal your shoe

And I thought, excellent! A brilliant opportunity to buy a new pair of shoes, but then what about my trustworthy, comfy "needs repairing" shoes? I'm torn!



I like to discover new things

Like Polenta

Its an amazing food. What is it? mash? pasta? cous cous?

Polenta is on the same wave length as to when I discovered Gnocchi for the first time! It's brilliant. With my japanese friend we went for Italian, I always decide to eat something from the menu that I haven't heard of, what's the point of eating something you are overly familiar with the taste and to be honest, you don't really get much joy out of it.

So i ordered this grilled Polenta and mushroom funghi sauce. I cannot remember the exact name of the dish, because the native french waitress put me to shame if I was to pronounce the word wrong she would probably spit in my food. So I simply just pointed to the meal, which was probably the politest way I think.

So nice, it was this not so over-powering cheese texture in the polenta, not soggy just the right consistency, so enjoyable with the garlic-y, white wine mushroom sauce.

This eatery was discovered somewhere near Aldgate Station and Brick Lane?

I think because I am still finding my feet around London, I don't tend to see signs and names. I just remember the scenery to get by, which i think is the best way because I lose my bearings so easily

mellow yellow

I am still listening to that song I listed in my very numero une post


I suppose i have progressed in my music taste, nothing too pretentious to snub music just because its not in fashion. But opening up to uncharacteristic kind of noises.


Paul Kalkbrenner- Square 1

Give it ago, I pretty much need this for hard times, mellow yellow times and the void times

Good stuff

Getting there

so lets see

I am now interning for an up and coming fashion designer

its intense

I'm re-assessing what I want to do in my life so hopefully this will be a good insight in my career, right?

it's quite nice to talk, see my thoughts and read it.

I'm getting use to the London Underground, pretty proud of myself.

I have a book to read for the tube aswell. Very fitting!

Haruki Murakami "Dance Dance Dance"

my second Murakami book that I'm delving into, my heart skipped a beat when I was shopping with my new-ish japanese friend (who has gone back to Japan now) on the underground and saw a girl rush past carrying his book in her under her arms. Pretty awesome feeling.

Awesome. I learnt the japanese word for that which i have forgotten? darn it

So anyway I read somewhere that Murakami's "Norweigen Wood" will be made into production as a movie. I'm so estatic about that and cannot wait to see it when it comes out.

3 years later on a Sunday 00:00

and so i manage to find my blog after 3 years

Its been a long time

abit nervous to voice my opinions if the world discovers to read this