The end-all Party

i can't collect my thoughts together to string along a sentence to makes sense is it because i'm having an irregular heart beat is it because my mind is looking for a reason is it because i have no appetite is it because i cannot unclench my jaw all above is painful. I went to a party of end-all last night the boy i have my eye on is going to attend but i obviously pretend that i don't know try and be a cool cat in my mind i have this all planned out and we shall make this happen tonight at this last party and then what? he spots me at the top of the stairs (or did i spot him first, and try and act breezy kinda thing.) oh shit. what the fuck. he stands with me. and i fucking ignore him. I freeze and carrying making convo with the mutual friend we share. this boy makes me nervous i loose my shit. and leave into another room? really. read. i run away. escape to the closest exit. leaving him dumbfounded thinking what the fuck. bitch. i never see him again i hate myself. which further more i meet another boy, outside the friend circle in my fucked up haze and a developing fuck-it-might-aswell attitude me and this 18 year old boy make a connection (thinking back, i have a feeling another girl was digging him from afar. but he tapped my leg, drank my beer, puffed smoke in my face, leaned in towards me while i chatted to his mate lit my cigarette which fuck. now realising, his girl admirer handed to me as a friendly gesture. I hope i said thanks) i need the toilet break. Boy follows. he approaches me like a boss. we fall into this passionate kissing frenzy we made a racket knocking the misc off the bathroom shelves i felt 18 again although a bit more experienced this time round i realise it was me pressing him up against the door he senses the mood and gropes me. not bad. he's not shy. it's nice to push his hand away from the prize one thing. i felt numb, no tingle no flutter i snort a couple lines of mdma my memory of last nights is a very broken memory but now i write this, hoping to clear my thoughts, so i dig this boy? Does he do it for me? my heart is beating strange beats my stomach is make flips my jaw lowers in memory of the clinches i had i exhale and think of what could have happened and exhale to what really happened