Saturday, 28 November 2009


just found the post i listed about Paul Kalkbrenner // Square 1

saddens me alot

the post i made about the song was in 2nd August 2009

the song was last played on 8th November 2009

Daul Kim left this place on the 19th November 2009

feelings are hard to define when a subject lies close to the heart, this song captivated me when Daul listed this on her blog and also a video clip, where she assisted DJ at Palais De Tokyo in Paris and she was playing the song Square 1 by Paul Kalkbrenner from the album Berlin Calling. She does the best funky house shuffle to the song and in general she is the best mover and groover that has ever crossed my eyes.

Yes, I am in awe of her, the fascination I had about her is unmeasurable and I am grateful that I have my own sentimental connection of music that she shared that I now closely carry.

It is only now that I've listened to this song, the distance of time to play this song again is painful to say the least, how can someone who I've never met and no acknowledgement of each other just feel so void.

actually i'm not as ready as I thought i was

Rest in peace Daul
Say Hi to James Dean for me
and when the heavy rain wakes me up in the middle night I think maybe thats you sending your blessing telling us all not to worry, it will all fall into place in the end alright.



mood is mucho better

especially playing my new fav track

Daily Routine (Phaseone RMX) // Animal Collective

It would be a good song to have sex to non?

might click off the repeat track and let My Girls (HATCHMATIK disco bootleg) roll

just noticed both songs have been played as much as each other

such a goof ha!

simplicities of life



after the immense reading on love confessions and tales

I miss the fuck buddy, reading the ill-fated attempts of pubescent youth stories.


I'm actually quite content with how my stories go, I know what I want, its this silent understanding, the nod of the head to know it was great sex.

Back when i was 18 it was pure bliss, i don't know what has become of all these tragic love stories that are intense.

A bit of fun and debauchery I'm glad to have enjoyed my latter years in comparison to these too fast so young ones.

Although one thing on my mind, when does the fuck buddy expire?

I've had the one odd clash where I rejected him

(yeh, ive decided to hold on to the good fuck)

But when's a good time and a good fuck good for, if he's not around


//..only with you
waited to see you for soooooooo long!!!!!!
and u wont even see me!

would you rather me see you out of pity eh!!!!

by hook or by crook

what the does thaat mean

//it means i dont care why......
just want you to see me'

why though

//because i always liked u
and want to spend some time with you

aww x

//its true
hey *, i gonna get some sleep
so tired
talk to you tomorrow yeah???

okays, sleep well x

//u too
wish i was with you!
so fucking much

//you just turn me on.....
and i haven't seen you for so long

your fault eh

you in your bed??


*, u rubbish!!

-shit nearly forgot to delete the names then


feeling like a manic depressant at the moment

don't know what's become of me

laptop in bed

sending despair text messages to my trusted friends

dim lights

playing sad depressant songs to surge my foul mood

honestly when are things going to pick up?

I don't depend on anyone and always realize this is always down to the individual

it just seems at the moment everything is crashing down, i read my horoscopes as a sub consciously guide and it warned me of this and its fucking harsh.

Reading old messages from old lovers

watching short love films and reading long winded love antidotes

for a start i need to change the song

actually embarrassed to list what pathetic song I'm listing to

but just changed it too a bit more up tempo, preppy ballad?

I Drove all night // Cyndi Lauper

and what is the deal with my back and thigh bones locking and cracking


saw some red polka dot socks

walked away from them

can't stop thinking about them and how i would wear them

going back on monday to see if their still there

also on the look out for yellow amber socks


There are certain unspoken rules about family and what they mean to you, loyalty and respect.

however when they have been lost & distorted

There are certain unspoken things that are said when people are set in these hideous ways

abusive, ill mannered and lack of social & life skills

there will be the time when I look back and know i did the right thing

to never keep in contact and disown

never look back

no memories worth keeping

so long & good riddance

Thursday, 26 November 2009


next week i'm going to restart my social life

look at new faces and places

breath new things

see new sceneries




oh and drink and rave are in the making aswell

must make it happen


about to nod off to sleep

'im bord'

'text me'

'why don't you ever text me back anymore'

'can't sleep'


fuck off you fucker

fuck off you fucking fuck

which is best?

phone switched off

. . . . . . .

. . . . . . .
. . . . . . .
. . . . . . .
. . . . . . .
. . . . . . .
. . . . . . .
. . . . . . .
. . . . . . .
. . . . . . .
. . . . . . .


a big peppered angus beef steak

didn't finish it

i think i'm going to have a heart murmur

feel so abused by a piece of meat


Wednesday, 25 November 2009


Daily Routine (Phaseone RMX) // Animal Collective



nom nom

+ apples x 2

Good for the body eating

my secret diet diary i have self consciously adapted to watch what I eat

Pitta + lettuce, Yoghurt
Tangerine, Oat Cakes
Pitta + lettuce + coleslaw + sweetcorn +prawns
Apple x 2, Chocolate Digestives x 2
Strawberry fruit tea
Apple, banana, blueberry yoghurt
brazilian nuts, walnuts

well actually I eat a lot listing this down

a bit fearful but surely got my 5-a-day in?


Another thing today I was too engulfed in coleslaw shopping today

not to notice the fit dreadlock guy breeze through and cut me off

while I was on coleslaw watch

why why why

the coleslaw out of all foods to be looking at

uncool & shamed


Bad mood


deadline in the mist

Another bastard in mind

this essay

go go go

UNwanted attention

Pest comes to mind

how do i tell someone to fuck off politely

but yet its beginning to irate me maybe i don't want to be polite

I fell asleep lastnight

normal thing to do right?

"why do you never text me back anymore" -ex


You what

Now he's calling me up to check up

Why do I feel like I am pinned down when I do not belong to anyone

Fuck off you fucking Fuck

Tuesday, 24 November 2009


i jump at loud noises

Le ex-boof numero 4 texted me at this absurdly hour

actually feel the pill kicking in


pitta bread yeh


I've taken a heavy duty sleeping pill

and its not working

i''ve finished a tub of humous and 2 pitta breads

A TUB at 3am in the morning

hello cellulite

Monday, 23 November 2009

my friend

i feel lost

i miss my friends so much

mucho mucho mucho

the good times

little things

'have you got any spare toothpaste, here put it into this parcetomal plastic jar..'

'what kind of toothpaste DO you use??? Its tastes like old peoples toothpaste!!!!!'

Its Aquafresh alright!!

I miss my friend

mucho mucho mucho


just had the biggest coma nap ever

it was good!

eye noise

ehm shit

when i blink i can hear a noise

i havent slept due to doing an all nighter trying to finsih work

yeh i can definatley hear a noise when i blink

god i hope i dont fuck up my eyes


has not slept

my english has gone wack and my spelling has gone fucking insane

work work work

so can not wait to rest my head down

will be mega


Sunday, 22 November 2009

Never mind the

Off the hook

i love the intro

CSS // Off the hook

there's a guitar rift bit that sounds a bit like the yeah yeah yeahs way out

the face aint making

what the mouth needs

oh Karen O i adore thee

Got AMC tattooed on my hand

Naff songs for silly times

Keep you hands off my girl // Good Charlotte

god remember this song

head swinging

So hip

Got Brass knuckle hanging from my neck in my chain

Got Brass knuckle hanging from my neck in my chain

Item No.

Things that Hack me off II

The 4th ex-Boy we remain friends

I normally don't allow this and delete and no baggage to chug around

He is very inexperienced with lady specimens, immature and lives his life of i'm in the band, hopping back and forth to America, unemployed but always manages to find his feet.

In his childish ways he became attached to me, even though he knew that he is not capable of relationships. It didn't work for us and him not having a clue what he wanted and intimidated by women he stuck around when I was in my depths of relationships with other guys.

Quite obviously, it's not my problem I kept my distance and its not fair to him to think he has a chance and asked him to move on, being friends is not a good idea.

You'd think blanking someone is fair and for their own good. Let him develop his own relationships.

He stuck around like an irritating little flea. Waiting for me break up in my relationships, guilt tripping ideals that as friends we should see each other more and hang out.

Fucking nonsense

I should never give the benefit for the Ex to remain friends, I never gave him hope that we will ever rekindle anything.

I find it vulgar and disgusting how he is constantly still trying.

Its been 3 years already.



I have bought a new winter coat

its brilliant bright red and it harks back to my childhood memories of looking like a toy soldier

The thing is, its made out of 100% wool so its got a scratchy fabric which is not good but anyway I am going to wash it to shrink it a bit as its a bit too big

I remember when my dad would dig out his festive jumpers, really disgusting warm wooly sheep insulators and would put them in the washing machine

obviously it shrunk. And how we laughed and then the seriousness took over and hit us that fuck off


We're going to have to wear them now

Karma eh

anyway thats my memories of wool


Fuck this shit

i like my sleep

in fact i cant get enough

i nap and nap


this is starting to piss me off that someone keeps waking me up

like its an order and a priority


its really starting to hack me off

sleep is so important to me that it helps me actually function the things I need to be doing other than sleeping

cutting my sleep down i am useless and most of all i enjoy it

yeh its brilliant

and all i can keep thinking now is if i can just catch a little nap because i feel my sleep was cheated attempt

Thursday, 19 November 2009





x x x

Tuesday, 17 November 2009


ordered some shoes a month ago

got them today!

i love them!

they are dove grey lace up shoes and a part where it is brown suede in the style of bowler shoes

i just need to wear them in a bit so they are comfy and falling apart.

Sunday, 15 November 2009


i remember on a friday evening about 12am last year in september

I just finished a call to my then lover where he was upset that we'd spent the whole day deciding whether or not he should drive up from London to see me, it would've been 4 hour drive but by the time it was evening it just wasn't worth the exhaustion as he would have to leave the sunday morning.

I think it's funny to think back at the how loved up we were, I really like the beginnings of relationships, they are the best, the rush of it.

Anyway one of the housemates was away at home and the other room mate comes in from work

"what are you doing? get dressed there's a house party tonight. Everyones going. Its going to be huge"

1am we make a mad dash to get dressed and then some people in a car come and pick us up

We get there and theres this massive hubbub of people outside this tall mansion house.

There were like 7 floors and a massive garden

Every single room and area there was a DJ

there so many people it was like a club

there are numerous parties I'd been to over the last couple of years but my memory have seemed to have merged them all in to one.

best times ever


i really want to shop

like insanely

i dont have time or money and i'm suppose to be saving up

I can't help thinking my previous couple of years that were freedom

blissful freedom

I worked and shopped at my own pace

Then i would bump into a friend while shopping, we go to a bar for 'coffee'

we order a bottle of Rose and light bites

We have happy times and decide to stay out and drink

I just think how lucky I am

my friends are well connected to alot of people so we got free drinks

on different occasions I would end up at a house party

dancing across a bridges

Then thinking what the fuck, why is it that everyone lives in plush apartments?

we share naughty salt

no troubles

it was the best years of my life


I seem to retreat to sleeping a lot

and try to sneak in a lot of hearty napping

i sometimes have around 3 naps a day

is that too excessive?

i am so tired

its untrue

sometimes its just an excuse for not doing my work

well i have been staring at my laptop too much i need to rest my eyes

i have a mystery headache


well the spanish swear by siestas

and clinically they give a person more energy

what the fuck

get on with your work

stop procrastinating



Guava Jam

Almond paste

i have been recommended about you

i'll find you


If i was re-incarnated


You are what you eat

I am a box of oat cakes.

I was introduced to these bad boys in the summer by my friends

the oh so watch-what-i-put-in-my-mouth kind of eating

they are vegetarians of course

if its not good for the body why would I want to let my body consume this

its zuki and kidney beans

ah okay. I thought my brown bread sandwich did its justice but non


i have adapted this regime of healthy eating

of course i've relapsed

6 kit kat bars hard

bad times

oat cakes balance it out right?

Saturday, 14 November 2009


Intervention // Arcade Fire

Ian Curtis

How much does New Order differ to Joy Division?

it makes me wonder what the sound of 'Joy Division' would've sounded like

if New Order took on the sound of Joy Division forward

I suppose people move on

Temptation // New Order


Live transmission

Joy division // Transmission

Brazil nuts



healthy snacks or maybe snack fad of mine

I want to go to America and see what those dusky pictures are about for real

escape somewhere with no sense of time

i want to have freedom and experience the unknown

its all out there waiting to be discovered

and I am coming of age

i turn 23 in a months time

I feel so young that i havent experienced as much as i should have


its perfect time to explore before it gets too late


action plan

always get the work all done

so I have more time for play

seeing as I have not had any time for play

play makes me a happier person

so says my horoscopes

I believe they are very true indeed

It dictates that my social life is very important and that it is the making of me

its true

i have bored myself to death and lost goals

and ambitions

and a ridiculous amount of work to do now

so snowed under i want to hibernate under my duvet


interesting ex-Boy no.4 seems to be attempting to rekindle our past relationship

but its not of my interest and this Boy is the one i regret i have

after he asked me 'no regrets?'

much better off as friends


i've had pasta

i feel so sluggish

just thinking about career prospects

after working in a cocktail bar all last year

it was basically a Friday night every single day for a year

oh how it was fun

now I can't get back into work

too much relaxing

and now i have no time to relax and have to fight for spare time to relax

when did life get so dry?



so much to do so little time

when will i ever learn from my mistakes

never do things last minute

its not fun

Saturday, 7 November 2009

"He looks cool I want to fuck him"

This girl who got too big for her boots

Try-to-hard Indie cindy.

"omg, I just caught H my roommate and Tom on the Living room floor having sex. I'm so shocked I thought he liked me and to think I actually liked him"

Its okay, Tom has chlamydia, don't touch him. he's done you a favor.

"OMG just walked into the kitchen again and caught them having sex again, I can't believe it, H is such a slut. I cannot believe her. Can't believe she would do this"

What time is it, 6am? Why are you even up? Well you knew Tom sleeps around, he's a proud manwhore what did you expect

"this is disgusting I can hear them at it"

Two years ago this girl began to lust for the cool, to be seen as cool, to be "lets stand over there, those guys look cool and he looks hot" things like that I would blink my eyes wide open and pretend the drunk hearing has taken over and stay put.

This has been really grating on me because she wants to try and get back into my life after I cut her out. From the offset of meeting her, she was already vying for centre of attention and self indulgent brat.

flat party "..I've got something to tell you, I've been sleeping with Alex from next door, I didn't know how to tell you because my boyfriend Will, he'll never speak to me again. Its only because Will doesn't excite me anymore. But it's really difficult because Alex has a really long term girlfriend and still likes her"

She didn't know how to tell me she is a whore. Amusing.

And her repercussions fell onto me as well as I knew Alex's then girlfriend, which then to her thinking bad of me because I was associated as the whores room mate. The whole social circle dynamics fucked.

Alex gets a new girlfriend

"I've caught chlamydia off Charlotte, Alex's new girlfriend. The tramp"

"I don't know how I'm going to tell Will about Alex and the other boy in the band I slept with, it'ul just kill him. No, I'll only tell Will about Alex and pretend nothing happened with the other guy"

Laughable. will you just give up, you've lost your own boyfriend now, the boy you was sneaking around with won't commit himself to you

" I'm going to shower. i'm going to sleep with Alex tonight, he really likes charlotte, Yeh. I'm going to sleep with him tonight."

"Just seen Tom, he looks really fit. He's coming back with me tonight"

"Tom the tramp has given me clamydia"

No morals. No shame. I have no time for her.

Wednesday, 4 November 2009

old is getting older

i need to get a fucking grip

Its always what if


it could happen

i need to draw the line, stop waiting around for something to happen
because I'm getting nowhere and this is effecting everything i do.

So there's this fuck buddy that comes in and out of my life.
its been 3 and half years and I rejected him the most recent time even though i wanted it bad, is it that bad to say? But I was in one of them non-serious relationships at the time and did the right blah blah blah and turned him away, when i thought why the fuck did i do that? I was in a miserable relationship where the sex was dire and the thought of him sent me to despair. What can i say, i needed the fuck buddy and the gods answered my prayer and for some fucked up reason that coincidences happen, he was in town and he was calling to come round. I turned him down. I just can't do the nasty and what all the angry songs we hear on the radio sing about.

Gutted. Yes. Right. Yes. Feels good. No

Now I am frustrated, I have moved to a different area, where the talent to be frank is ugly. There is nothing remotely here that interests me in anyway. Im stuck in this mind where I need to start afresh and the old ways are getting old, everything is moving around me and I haven't moved with it and I need to get on it. I should start with baby steps and stop looking, it will find me if I stop looking? The only thing is I stopped looking 4 months ago and what's taking so long?