Monday, 11 June 2012
End of Spring
Oh dear. I have something that has been plaguing my mind and pulling on my conscience. I feel dreadful trying to weigh up the area that i fucked up badly. At times, i think, so what? Move on it ain't that big of a deal, but if my morals have me pinned down, I have been feeling very remorseful over the last couple of days over something major? or minor? A friend caught me having a steamy snog with a random boy, in her bedroom, at the house party not long ago. Writing this down, i feel dog-dirt, but also in my experiences in comparison, this is very normal? ain't it? At a house party, surely, 2 people on a horn dog mission,it's a likely bet. This sounds to me something i would've witnessed happen at any house gathering i put my effort in attending in my previous years. Part of me, thinks how fucking lame is this, what kind of diluted house party would this offend you? I feel very pent up, after apologising my heart out to Amy, she was having none of it and screamed and told me to get out her house. I felt bad. She made me feel like dirt, shameful and also, i was high as horse and hearing her scream at me broke me down and sober up from extreme high as a kite to basement low come-down and apologise as it was my duty to say i'm sorry for using your room. I apologised twice, which wasn't the best idea, as she was still fuming, definately gave me that look as if to say, 'we are no longer friends' All this fogg of a fucked up drama, has me in such a grey and sickly health. If i can clear my head out on here and put it to rest, I carry far too much troubles on my shoulders and i feel drained and lifeless, over what was a numb house party. I say numb, close to the feeling that i overheard Rachel complain none of the people she invited to the party had turned up.While i stand there, clear to me now, i am often here to make up a number and a body. She wasn't very enthusiastic when I showed up as she was eyeballing my outfit and remedied her outfit similar to mine. Rachel calls me her competition before she calls me a friend. This leaves such an un-nerving chill down my spine. When all these years, the crumbling of our friendship became very frought to the end-all at this finale houseparty. I try and pick myself up from this, over the last couple of days. I can make new friends. As strategic and brutal as life narrates itself. I have tomorrow and beyond to create new friendship groups. Realising this has been a struggle to contend with, most of the time i am puzzled to what is this emotion i am going through. But to pick up and carry myself to go on as i mean, I shall start a new chapter in the coming days, start by getting out of this horrific funk. Start a something new. I feel better.