old is getting older

i need to get a fucking grip

Its always what if

maybe

it could happen

i need to draw the line, stop waiting around for something to happen

because I'm getting nowhere and this is effecting everything i do.

So there's this fuck buddy that comes in and out of my life.

its been 3 and half years and I rejected him the most recent time even though i wanted it bad, is it that bad to say? But I was in one of them non-serious relationships at the time and did the right blah blah blah and turned him away, when i thought why the fuck did i do that? I was in a miserable relationship where the sex was dire and the thought of him sent me to despair. What can i say, i needed the fuck buddy and the gods answered my prayer and for some fucked up reason that coincidences happen, he was in town and he was calling to come round. I turned him down. I just can't do the nasty and what all the angry songs we hear on the radio sing about.

Gutted. Yes. Right. Yes. Feels good. No

Now I am frustrated, I have moved to a different area, where the talent to be frank is ugly. There is nothing remotely here that interests me in anyway. Im stuck in this mind where I need to start afresh and the old ways are getting old, everything is moving around me and I haven't moved with it and I need to get on it. I should start with baby steps and stop looking, it will find me if I stop looking? The only thing is I stopped looking 4 months ago and what's taking so long?