esteem

I have none

i feel really destroyed at the moment

also a mixture of annoyance, regret and frustration


a few weeks ago on a night outing

a real need to enjoy myself after a hardcore stressful week

it was a spur of the moment thing to leave the office and meet up with my friends to have dinner and then go out

i'm still not familiar with the social scene in London

either you fit in or you don't

or you follow the crowd

and conform to the grunge punk ethos uniform compiled by the Dalston/ Shoreditch crowd

anyway

we hit a club where some swedish DJs were playing

the club was compact and narrow and the club space was very awkward but cosy

so here's when I feel destroyed

I got the look of 'up and down' finger pointing by a random tart


for real

and I feel destroyed by this

a complete ephiphany and it's spiralled into a self hating taunt

i haven't recovered from this and believe that I've been having Bad Face days, Bad Hair days, Bad Body days, Bad Skin days, Bad Nails days..

i've crashed

my posture is broken

i don't even walk with my head held high and shoulders crouched in

and now this

thats why frustration kicks in

with whats left of my confidence, if even i had any in the first place

how did i let a random chubby brown haired tart, adorned in white jersey mini dress make me feel so crap

i bruise easily

but still

she wore a freaking white jersey dress

really

jersey?